Social Networks I'd like to see...

Dear Congressman,

Since everyone and their grandmother is on the internet 24/7, I thought I would take the time to outline some sites I would like to see out there, to reflect the true nature of the human condition...

Back Book- yes finally a site for all the back biters out there. Instead of “friends” you would have “frienemies” and, of course, the like button is replaced by the “you’ve got to be kidding”, “gag me with a spoon”, and the “Jane, you ignorant slut!” buttons. However, unlike other social media sites, when you make degrading comments and the whole world can see it was you, this site has a scramble feature, that will attribute your scathing tirade to an unsuspecting member of your frienemy list. Fun galore as you slag everyone and everything to your heart’s content, while your frienemy list wonders who the culprit is.

My Grace – if Budweiser and cheeseburgers have taken their toll on you over the years, then this site is for you! Once you upload recent pictures of your bloated self, the programmers at My Grace have developed morphing software that could have turn Pavarrati into Rambo. Receding or missing hairline? No problem! This site can give you more hair than a 1971 rock concert.

Kinkedin –Do you have gigantic business or political ambitions and an oversized libido to match? Look no further than this network. As privately endorsed by Anthony Weiner, Chris Lee and Elliot Spitzer, Kinkedin is a secure anonymous business social network that “gets on with the business”. All young beautiful women are welcomed into the group with open arms, and in some cases legs, after they have signed the ironclad confidentiality agreement that forfeits all their rights and dignity to horn-dog middle-aged white men from upstate New York.

New York, New York

Dear Congressman,

Normally I am trying to keep you up to date on the doings around the country and the world as you sacrifice your life and limb fighting the many liberals on Capitol Hill, but today's topic is about ... well... your peers, specifically New York congressmen...

First came Chris Lee, the former congressman representing New York's 26th district. Mr. Lee thought it would be okay to claim to be both unmarried and a lobbyist on Craigslist to gain the affections of other women. He is famed for running into a bathroom aka-superman phone-booth style - tearing off his shirt and snapping a pic to send to the other party in question. Too bad he used his real name, as he was found out pretty quickly and resigned the next day.

Now comes Anthony Weiner, the House of Representatives member representing the 9th district of New York. Mr. Weiner also likes to take pictures without his shirt on and send them to women who befriended him on either twitter or facebook. Additionally, Mr. Weiner discussed his weener with a female blackjack dealer as recreated by Bill Maher and Jane Lynch here. (note: explicit language, funny, but explicit). Anthony so far has refused to resign from the House, but one has to think he will probably not far behind Mr. Lee is packing up his desk early.

So I have to ask, is there something in the water of New York State that creates egomaniac narcissistic power brokers with a boner and no common sense? Does the oath of office for representatives for the State of New York include the pledge to "provide utmost customer service while taking time to service the customer".

As for another idea for attacking the deficit, I would sell memberships to the House gym using both these guys as poster children, as it must have some pretty functional equipment as you could bounce a quarter off either of their abs.

Washboard abs for some and lower taxes for all!!!!!

Yours for a song...

Dear Congressman,

Due to the terrible conditions in the real estate market both here and overseas, I thought I would show some of the real estate available to general public.

BORING BLOG FOR CHABOT REALTY PRESENTS:

The Caves of Pakistan & Afghanistan

1. ASMAR near $ 178,000
Yes, look at this beauty. Stunning views and just fifty or so miles north of Asmar in the hills of eastern Afghanistan, this one of a kind hillside heaven includes built-in alarm system with infrared and sonic wave technology, steep graded access to keep those pesky tourists from bothering you, and a natural sulfur sauna on the bottom level to soak those tired feet after a long day of hiking to the nearest fresh water well!

2. Peshawar $450,000
This cavern is a perfect spot for the individual looking for some solitude away from civilization. Built miles from nowhere in particular, this beauty has been occupied since cro-magnum days, with may generations of humanoids calling this structure home. A rock of ages!


3. Jalalabad $675,000
This Stone-aged gem is a fixer upper, as the last owner, before his untimely death, just could not get his supplies through from the Home Depot in Kabul due to disruptions of traffic on the A01. But this updated cave is a steal at this price, and with the modern updates such as running water and electricity, you will be the envy of all those other cave dwellers who are trying to remain anonymous in this fast paced world!!!

4. Abbottabad $ 58,000 This cave should go quickly at this steal of a price! The previous owner was recently evicted by the world's largest bank and is ready for immediate occupancy. Fully gated with an oversized yard and plenty of living space. Due to the use of force in the eviction process, there is minor damage to the security fence and some carpets will need to be replaced. You will be guaranteed privacy with this one as it is in a quiet neighborhood with very little activity.

Meanwhile, at the Palace...

Dear Congressman,

Since Julian Assange's bug in the Prime Minister's office was finally discovered, we will have to turn to the records of the phone calls from some large estate in the middle of London.

March 15, 2011
Recorded from the payphone in the staff lounge somewhere in the southwest quadrant of Buckingham Palace. A young gentleman wearing a trench coat, sunglasses, and a NY Yankees baseball cap looks around, fishes in his pocket for coins to deposit in the phone, and then dials a number after several minutes once he finally figured out how to use a rotary dialer.

Half awake male voice on the other end: Bloody hell, it's only 9 in the morning. Someone better be dead or in a coma!

Trench coat man: Audrey, wake up. It's me, Harry.

Audrey: No freaking way. Harry never gets up before noon. Who is this and how did you get my number?

Prince Harry: For @#(%& sake, Audrey. Last night in the Paisley Room of the club you let Fiona whats-her-name....

Audrey: Jesus, enough. Okay, it's you. Let's go back to my initial question, why am I up this early?

Prince Harry: I just saw Will & Kate's guest list for the wedding. We have do something!

Audrey: I don't quite follow. What is the problem with the list?

Prince Harry: I just saw the list of bridesmaids and friends that Kate is inviting.

Audrey: I'm sorry old stick, I still don't know what you are getting at. Is there someone on the list that you have a problem with?

Prince Harry: On an individual level, no. But on a group level I have a huge problem. You see, of all the unmarried females on the list, I can only list two that I haven't shagged.

Audrey: That would be Meridith Swindon-Jones and Emily Rodell-Cleves.

Prince Harry: How did you know....

Audrey: You talk too much when you are drunk, dear boy. So, if I understand correctly, you have carnal knowledge of Will & Kate's female friends without them or any of the friends knowing what you have been doing?

Prince Harry: Precisely!

Audrey: I see. First, I must say, well done!!! But I can see your predicament, as they will all be standing around for hours with nothing to do but gossip. A right Tiger Woods you got yourself into here...

Prince Harry: I was thinking about having those chaps with the funny hats over at the Tower of London round them up for safekeeping the night before the wedding and putting all of them in separate cells.

Audrey: I can see a few minor flaws with that plan, mainly that the 50 or so empty seats at Westminster and the missing bridesmaids might raise a few eyebrows.

(beeping sound comes over the line, followed by Prince Harry depositing more coints)

Audrey: What the devil was that noise? Are we being recorded?

Prince Harry: No chance of that. I am using the only phone at Granny's house that is not bugged.

Audrey: Well, let me get some more sleep and I will give your "problem" a little more thought. And cheer up, old boy. It could be a lot worse. They could have invited Lady GaGa, Amy Winehouse and Madonna...

Prince Harry: Bloody hell, good point...

A shot, bartender?

Dear Congressman,

Since you are locked away in the halls of Congress doing your national duty for the Cincinnati area, I am sure you barely have time to keep up on the doings of the Ohio Legislature. So, as a public service, I thought I might fill you in on what they have been up to:

Ohio senate to hear bill allowing guns in bars
An Ohio Senate committee passed a bill that would allow Ohioans to carry concealed weapons into bars and restaurants -- provided they don't drink, the Columbus Dispatch reported. The Senate is expected to act quickly on the legislation, voting as early as today, according to Senate Judiciary Chairman Timothy Grendell, R-Chesterland. Before the committee voted 7-2 to approve Senate Bill 17, opponents warned legislators that the proposal to loosen Ohio's gun law would lead to more violence, and they questioned how waiters and bartenders would be able to enforce the drinking ban. "Alcohol and guns do not mix," John Gilchrist of the Ohio Association of Chiefs of Police testified.

Between you, me, and the wall, I think I would tend to fall into Mr. Gilchrist's camp on this one. Is it possible that this bill being sponsored by the Coke/Pepsi/Dr Pepper lobby who are looking for more sales in Ohio water holes? Correct me if I am wrong, but the most common thing people do when first walking into a bar is to order an alcoholic beverage. Haven't spent many nights on the town where I remember a lot of people ordering Shirley Temples at the bar.

I do, however, remember reading this blurb from the Department of Justice website:

About 3 million violent crimes occur each year in which victims perceive the offender to have been drinking at the time of the offense. Among those victims who provided information about the offender's use of alcohol, about 35 percent of the victimizations involved an offender who had been drinking. About two-thirds of the alcohol-involved crimes were characterized as simple assaults.

About 35% of 3 million is about a million violent crimes involving alcohol, of which two thirds were simple assaults. Simple assault is a nice way of saying that the offending party did not have a lethal weapon on hand to utilize to upgrade the assault to the felonious type that results in grievous bodily harm.

So here's a thought, lets legally allow them to enter an establishment that serves mentally impairing beverages carrying a concealed weapon, interact with other slightly impaired patrons, wait a few hours, and see what fun results from this.

Additionally, why the hell is this even being presented for a vote in front of the Ohio Senate? Is a job creating bill, as the jobs formerly held by bar patrons suffering from acute lead poisoning will be up for grabs? Or a health care bill, as people who enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol on a daily basis will not need late-life care for cirrhosis or other alcohol related diseases as they would have already succumb to bullet wounds?

I would think at a time like this when the state coffers are empty that it would be a bad idea to eliminate eligible payers from the tax rolls.

All over Ohio I can see the following scene unfolding:

A guy walks into a bar. He looks around, then approaches the bar to address the man behind the counter cleaning wine glasses.

"What'll it be, Mister"

"I'll have a diet coke, please."

Bartender suddenly ducks behind the counter and yells "Please don't shoot! Take the money in the till if you want! Just don't kill me!!!!"


Or not...

Donald Chump....

Dear Congressman,

I have for many years been in awe of the ability of one Donald Trump to constantly get his names in the headlines. In fact, I am still amazed by his ability to run a reality TV show without bankrupting his production company, as he has done on two separate occasions with his Trump Casino in Atlantic City.

But now he has re-invented himself as a "birther", one of the numerous conspiracy theorists who seem to think that one Barrack Obama is secretly a Muslim spy who is trying to convert America into part of the new Caliphate, designed to take over the Christian world and convert all NFL/NASCAR loving red blooded American males into Allah bowing soul-submitting disciples of Islam. The birthers are convinced that one Stanley Ann Durham, a student in Hawaii at the time she met Barrack Obama Sr., snuck off at the age of 19 with an unknown funding source and managed to reach Kenya, where, in a giant field with all the villagers and wild animals looking on like a scene from The Lion King, she gave birth to our current President. Afterward, she managed to sneak him back into the United States, probably via a leaky boat across the Pacific, and check into the Kapiolani Medical Center and register his birth there.

A very talented teenager, Ms. Durham.

But back to our favorite comb-over conspirarcy theorist, Mr Trump. It appears a recent poll has rated him as only a few percentage points behind our current President. So is "the Donald" gearing up for a new career as the "CEO of America"?

Not bloody likely...

You see, to run for Political office, you have to open up your finances to the scrutiny of the nosy American public, including years and years of tax returns filed with the IRS. I am not stating that Mr. Trump has cheated on his taxes in any shape or form, but I will predict that if we ever saw those returns we would be surprised by just how little Mr. Trump is actually worth. He will be the first in line to toot his horn about just how wealthy he is, however if you ask for verification of these numbers, the comb-over drops ever-so-slightly down over the raised eyebrows right before he changes the subject quicker than Taco Bell's lawyers can file a counter lawsuit.

And for the record, how on earth do you bankrupt the same casino twice???? Casinos generally keep 3 cents of every dollar bet. So, for instance, if you walked in with $20 and bet it 10 times over the course of an hour on different games of chance, you will (again, on average) walk out with $14.75 and the casino keeps $5.25. That would be referred to as "churning" and would create a return of 26% for the house. It really takes effort to lose money with those odds, congressman.

The writer rants about writing....

Dear Congressman,

While scanning my newsreader, netvibes, I came across the following story from the Northern Kentucky Times,

Woman dies after car hits deer.
A 30-year-old driver was killed Saturday night when she struck a deer on U.S. 25 in Corinth.
Kentucky State Police said Trisha Sullivan of Corinth was driving a 2002 Toyota south when she hit the deer in the road.She was pronounced dead at the scene. Two juvenile passengers weren’t injured. Alcohol is not believed to be a factor.
The crash was reported at about 8:17 p.m.

A couple of things here. It occurred to me that whoever wrote this story was not at the scene. In fact, based on the language used and the curt nature of the article, I would venture to say that this was written word for word from the police report that was filed after the incident. It contains all the generic factual statements that are the non-committal statement of facts that all officers are taught to use to describe events in a police report.

The one that is incorrect however, is the fourth sentence in the story. I would venture to guess that the two uni-sex juveniles in the car, were most likely related to Ms. Sullivan and while demonstrating no physical injuries, are actually extremely injured by the accident, and have a high probability of developing a form of post traumatic stress disorder after witnessing the death of a close relative. Whereas alcohol was not deemed a factor in the crash, it will most likely become a factor in the life of the two uninjured juveniles at some point.

A little blip in newsprint will be forgotten by most within an hour of reading it. It will be a lifetime for the uninjured.

I only say this to point out that, at a minimum, the reporter who filed this story had a moral obligation to make a phone call or two to provide some "color" in regards to Ms. Sullivan and her two juveniles. This story doesn't have the glamor of a Middle-Eastern revolution or an Asian disaster, but it is a mini-tragedy in itself, and deserved more than this.