Superbowl mystery solved

Dear Congressman,

My apologies for my lack of activity over the last year or so, but then again, I think the same could be said about you and your fellow members of the House.

But that is not why I am writing today.

I think I have come up with a solution for the inability of the local professional football team to win a Superbowl. In retrospect, I should have thought of this sooner, but the continuous bi-polar status of joy followed quickly by overwhelming grief on an annual basis that dictates the lives of all Cincinnati Bengal fans shielded me from the true source of the problem for many years.

I took a long session of critical thinking on my part to come up with the idea, which entailed staring at the practice field next to Paul Brown Stadium as my bus raced past on it's way to the airport. I then took the time during my lunch break to verify if I was correct in my assumption, which I was.

So, since you have read this far, you might as well review my data.

Teams named after People	Games	Win	Loss
Pittsburgh Steelers	8	6	2
Dallas Cowboys	8	5	3
New England Patriots	7	3	4
San Francisco 49ers	6	5	1
Green Bay Packers	5	4	1
Los Angeles/Oakland Raiders	5	3	2
Washington Redskins	5	3	2
Minnesota Vikings	4	0	4
Kansas City Chiefs	2	1	1
Houston Texans	0	0	0
Tampa Bay Buccaneers	1	1	0
	51	31	20
Named after Horses	Games	Win	Loss
Baltimore/Indianapolis Colts	4	2	2
Denver Broncos	7	2	5
	11	4	7
Named after Birds	Games	Win	Loss
Seattle Seahawks	2	1	1
Baltimore Ravens	2	2	0
Philadelphia Eagles	2	0	2
Atlanta Falcons	1	0	1
Arizona Cardinals	1	0	1
	8	3	5
Named after mythical tall people	Games	Win	Loss
New York Giants	5	4	1
Tennessee Titans	1	0	1
	6	4	2
Named after Miscellanous Animal Kingdom	Games	Win	Loss
Miami Dolphins	5	2	3
Buffalo Bills	4	0	4
Los Angeles/St. Louis Rams	3	1	2
Chicago Bears	2	1	1
	14	4	10
Other Intangible Names	Games	Win	Loss
New York Jets	1	1	0
New Orleans Saints	1	1	0
San Diego Chargers	1	0	1
Cleveland Browns	0	0	0
	3	2	1
Named after Cats	Games	Win	Loss
Detroit Lions	0	0	0
Jacksonville Jaguars	0	0	0
Carolina Panthers	1	0	1
Cincinnati Bengals	2	0	2
	3	0	3

So there it is, a team named after a type of kitty cat has NEVER WON THE SUPERBOWL.

Thus, I now propose an experiment. For one season we refer to the Bengals as something other than a cat, maybe adopt the unofficial ESPN name of the Bungles. Or may just the Bens, in honor of Ben Franklin, since, after all, that is what this is all about anyway.

Go Bens Go Bens Go Bens!

Starters to conversations you would rather not have

Dear Congressman,

Occasionally, you automatically know when you hear certain sentences that you, in all likelihood, do not want to hear what comes next. For your review, here are a couple of examples...

“At my wedding, there were two hundred other followers of the Reverend Moon also…”

“I noticed while changing your oil that your alerotic regulator distension cable is sheared and needs to be …”

“Attention, this is your lead flight attendant, if anyone in the cabin has aviation experience please raise…”

“Daddy, what does Kayne mean when he says…”

“Sir, do you have another credit card, this one…”

“I’d like to welcome everyone to today’s nudist over-eaters anonymous meeting…”

“You have the right to remain silent…”

“A table for two? I would estimate the wait around 85 to 135 ….”

Selfies for the over 50 crowd

A real charlie foxtrot, Ja? Oui!!!

Dear Congressman,

Occasionally one will here about Académie française, or the French Academy, which since 1635 has defended the French language from being littered with words and phrases from other less worthy tongues. It does this by publishing a dictionary outlining acceptable words to use while smoking Gauloises and sipping a demitasse of expresso.

This body consists of 40 members who rule over the French language in an exclusive club that you join for life, unless you are Phillipe Petain and create a government (Vichy) during world war II that collaborates with Nazi Germany, and then you are politely asked to resign. By controlling this dictionary, the body 'guides' the use of the French language.

Germany has a standard dictionary as well, Duden, but no panel of aristocracy convening to decide which words from barbarian languages are to be incorporated into it.

And they might need to start one, as Germany is well known for their discipline and attention to detail, I think you would agree that this one got away. 

It appears that Chancellor Angela Merkel had the honor of introducing a new word into the Teutonic vocabulary, as her use of this term made it acceptable lingo, and foreshadowed it's entry into the Duden dictionary.  In fact, German language experts voted it "Anglicism of the year" in 2012.

It appears during the Eurozone economic crisis, the German people found a word to best describe the anxiety and fear that came along with failing banks and pissed off Greeks.

So welcome to the German language, "Shitstorm".

Well played Deutschland, well played...

Because companies are people too...

July 2, 2013

Dear Mr. Snowden,

This correspondence is to acknowledge the receipt of your letter dated June 29, 2013 requesting asylum from the United States of America from prosecution for the charge of espionage.

We thank you for think highly enough of us to make this request, however, after careful consideration, we must decline at this time.

Whereas we are not “beholden to the USA” as you noted in your letter, we do have considerable business interest within the borders of that particular country and these could be jeopardized without the promise of additional revenue streams from other sources if we grant your request.

Another issue is that, as a Fortune 500 company, we technically do not have a legal recognized right to grant asylum to individual citizens of other nations. We do agree with your argument that, for all intrinsic purposes, we are a sovereign nation unto ourselves. However, from a practical standpoint our corporate headquarters in Georgetown, Grand Cayman, is a post office box. and to be frank, whereas it is large enough to hold an individual person, it is not equipped with the amenities necessary to house and feed political refugees such as yourself.

If in the future you have issues with the United States of America in the area of taxes or commercial law, we can make a recommendation for several effective lobbyists in the Washington D.C. area who have served us well over the last decade.

If there are any other matters to which we can be of assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us. Good luck in your continuing endeavors for a new home.

Sincerely,

Gerald Hoffman

Legal Affairs Spokesman

International Business Machines Corporation

OFFICIAL(Sounding) RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Boring blog ends agreement with Paula Deen

Cincinnati, Ohio -6/29/2013 8:46 AM – The boring blog for Congressman Steve Chabot is announcing that it is officially cut all ties with Paula Deen and Paula Deen Enterprises as of  June 29, 2013. The blog, which is fairly certain Congressman Chabot has never actually read or heard of, will no longer run banner ads for Ms. Deen or spend weekends with her drinking vintage Chardonnays in her hot tub.

We wish Ms. Deen good luck with her future endeavors, because, based  on the last few days, she is going to need it.

Contact:
Rich in Cincy

http://boringblogforchabot.blogspot.com

We're all going to the zoo tomorrow...

Dear Congressman,

My ventures over the world wide web yesterday led to a pit stop at an article on unusual ideas for theme parks around the world. It was too good not to share. (kudos to Money Watch for the link)

Parque EcoAlberto, El Alberto, Mexico

Offers visitors an experience they may never forget: a simulated illegal U.S.-Mexico border crossing. For entry fees of around $20, visitors have the pleasure of being blindfolded and surrounded by the sound of dogs and sirens. And instead of park employees dressed as Mickey Mouse and Snow White? They get angry border patrol guards and violent drug smugglers. Fake ones, of course. 

And here we are thinking Americans are the only nationality who have mastered bad taste. Well played Mexico... well played.

Proposed theme park, Abbottabad, Pakistan

The neighborhood where the world’s most notorious and wanted terrorist spent his final days has been tapped as the location for a new $30 million amusement park. “We have enough space now where bin Laden’s compound was demolished,” Jamaluddin Khan, the deputy provincial minister for tourism, recently told Reuters. The theme park, which would take at least five years to complete, will be part of a 50-acre riverside development in Abbottabad that includes a zoo, water sports, rock climbing and paragliding. “Local people are going to go to that area out of curiosity, so why not give them something to see?” says travel expert and consumer advocate Christopher Elliott. Plus, it could bring some much needed money to the local economy.

If it has a fun house, I would not advise entering it.

Holy Land Experience, Orlando, Fla.

This theme park offers recreations from the Garden of Eden, Jerusalem street markets and... wait for it...  the live crucifixion of Jesus Christ with a wailing actor playing the title role covered in fake blood. “For a lot of people, it’s a spiritual experience. For visitors who are not evangelical, parts of it may be disturbing,”

Why stop there? I would have Sunday night stonings and a Christian v lion fest every other day.

Stalin World, Druskininkai, Lithuania

No one gets sent to the gulag at Stalin World, a 500-acre theme park featuring the former Soviet dictator. Officially named Grutas Park, the grounds include watch towers and barbed wire fences. On a less oppressive note, Stalin World also features a small zoo and a playground for children called Luna Park. According to the park’s website, its mission is to educate people about Soviet history and to take “the ‘idols’ off the pedestal.” 

If you buy the VIP package, you get fed caviar and treated like royalty. If you buy the regular admission, you are starved and watched closely by large stern faced women in uniform.. On the downside, one of every three people who purchase the VIP package are shot at random.

Love Land, Jeju Island, South Korea

This erotic theme park is strictly adults-only. Opened in 2004 on Jeju Island in South Korea, Love Landfeatures 140 sculptures of erotic art. They come in the form of phallic symbols, and they illustrate various acts of romantic entanglement.  

No wonder North Korea still wants to invade!

Dickens World, Kent, England

Opened in 2007, this venue is based in Chatham Dockyard in Kent, close to where Charles Dickens — who wrote such classics as “A Christmas Carol” and “David Copperfield” — lived as a child. Dickens World is housed inside a large warehouse with a Victorian classroom, an interactive haunted house, a “Great Expectations” boat ride through a re-creation of the old sewers of London, and a “Fagin’s Den” playground for children named after the villain and corrupter of youth from “Oliver Twist.” 

I bet this one has Disney nervous!  Hopefully they have not made too much of a life-like recreation of the Victorian sewer system.