Sail the seas of Accountancy...

Dear Congressman,

Today at work I was perusing my email inbox when I spotted the following:

Announcing our 2013 CFO of the Year finalists! 

Join the Commercial Commenter as we honor and recognize the 24 chief financial officers of Greater Cincinnati organizations who were named finalists in this year's CFO of the Year awards program.

For those who are not entirely business savvy, a CFO is a Chief Financial Officer. This is the person who makes sure 1) the bills, taxes and employees are paid,  2) the outstanding debts are collected, and 3) the financial reports are generated demonstrating that the company did items 1) and 2) properly.

Now, I know they like to give awards for all kind of things in the world, but really, CFO? I understand that I have greatly simplified what a CFO does, as there is a certain amount of planning of the overall company vision that  normally goes with the position, but the last time I watched the Academy Awards ceremonies, the accountants were the ones delivering the award envelopes, not receiving them.

There is a reason for this….

No one wants to watch Brad Pitt with his long hair flowing in the wind reconciling a bank statement, or Ann Hathaway do a musical number with Neil Patrick Harris on the joys of depreciating assets.

Accounting is boring. Trust me, I am a CPA, a verified authority on the subject.

So I have to tip my hat to the marketing geek who came up with an award ceremony for CFO of the year. Hopefully the criterion for winning this prestigious honor involves keeping your company solvent and making sure none of the other employees are robbing the organization blind behind your back.

And how do you really judge who is the best?

“Well Jim, we knew it would be close this year, between Reginald Sneed  of Sneed and Associates and Elizabeth Norris of First International Savings and Loan,  but I think Sneed's team has an edge with the clarity of their journal entries and the concise nature of their cash flow statements in the monthly closing process. I believe it will be just too much for Elizabeth to overcome.”

"I disagree, Brent. Elizabeth has a good stable of accountants who have finished in the top ten in reconciling the last four years. And the flux analyses of this group is by far some of the best you will see anywhere. I think this is going to be closer than appears at first glance."

Yawn….

Thank you for shopping with us...

Dear customer,

Welcome to ticketmuncher, where your concert experience is our number one concern.  Thank you for choosing ticketmuncher for your purchase of tickets to the following event:

Event :  Dead Bob and the Coma Boys

Date: July 25, 2013

Location: The Ben Dover Pavillion, Rabbit Hash, KY

Number of tickets:  2   Seat numbers 134 & 135 Row JJJ

Summary of charges:

Ticket :                                     $ 41.50 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $83.00

Service fees:                             $   8.50 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $17.00

Facility customer charge:           $   3.50 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  7.00

Parking fees(prepaid):               $   3.50 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  7.00

Ticket printing fees:                   $   2.75 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  5.50

Entertainment processing fee:    $   1.25 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  2.50

Ticket shipping fee:                   $   3.75 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  7.50

Ticket insurance                       $   2.87 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  5.74

Ticket issuance fee                   $   0.75 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  1.50

Event processing fee                $   1.50 per ticket  x 2  tickets      $  3.00
                                                                                            __________
Subtotal:                                                                                    $139.74
Sales Tax                                                                                        9.08
Shipping and Freight                                                                      15.00
Sales Tax (on Shipping and Freight)                                               0.98
Ticketmuncher convenience fee:                                                   14.75
Sales Tax (on Ticketmuncher convenience fee)                              0.96 
                                                                                            __________
Grand Total:                                                                                $180.51

Thank you again from your friends at ticketmuncher. Happy an extra special day!

A day on the farm

The scene is a small family farm in Brown county, Ohio. Dinner has just been served and grace has been said.

Dad: So, how was everyone's day today?

Mom: Well, it seems Daniel Jr. has something he needs to tell you.

Danny Jr.: Mom, geesh, do we have to talk about it now.

Mom: Since we spent all day in downtown Cincinnati at the FBI office, I think your father needs to be brought up to-date on events.

Dad: This sounds serious. What happened?

Both stare at Danny Jr.

Danny Jr.: Well, I eh, guess they traced my skype conversations with Jebediah.

Dad: What is a Skarp convention?

Danny Jr.: Skype, father. It is a video conferencing software tool to speak to people using a protocol known as...

Mom: What is a protocol?

Danny Jr.: It is a telephone with pictures so you can see each other when you talk.

Dad: We are Amish, how would we know about this Skarp you speak of?

Danny Jr: It's pronounce Skype, father.

Mom: Do not disrespect your father, Daniel Jr..

Danny Jr hangs head down.

Danny Jr.: I am sorry. I did not mean to bring trouble to the family.

Dad: I still do not understand why the federals would want to know about your talks with Jebediah? I realize you are probably talking about something sinful, like some girl's new headscarf or the latest buggy being produced by our Pennslyvania kinfolk, but this is hardly something that would attract the attention of outsiders.

Danny Jr: I am unsure father. They kept asking me why two Amish kids were on the internet so much.

Mom: This internet, is it a type of drug? Daniel Jr, are you smoking crock?

Danny Jr: No mother, and it's crack, not crock.

Dad: So these FBI men, did they arrest you for smoking crock on Skarp?

Danny Jr. : No, father, but they did put us on the international terror watch list.

Dad and Mom stare at each other. Dad stands up and looks indignant.

Dad: I will not allow that to happen. Ezekiel told me he once viewed a feature film by that Stephen King fellow and it was one of the worst experiences of his life. I will not allow this family to be torn apart by being forced to view this type of  Englander corruption!

Danny Jr. shakes his head and stares out the window, dreaming of living with a normal family.

And the question is...

Dear Congressman,

Currently your buddies over in the Senate are holding up the nomination of Gina McCarthy to head the Environmental Protection Agency. They are upset because it appears she has not properly answered all their questions, all 1,100 of them. As 1,075 of them were asked by your fellow Republicans, I was intrigued to find out what the nature of the questions were.

So in the fairness of disclosure, I have obtained a sample of some of the questions Ms. McCarthy has received from your esteemed colleagues across the building.

Question 46: Boxers or briefs?

Question 106: (from the Republican Senator from Idaho) Do you agree that the Yellow Tail Spotted American Owl is a major contributor to noise pollution in the Pacific Northwest and needs to be shot on sight?

Question 218: What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Question 222:  You talking to me? (pause) You talking to me? (pause) You talking to me?

Question 453: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Question 734: Are you busy Friday night? 

Question 735: If not, how about Sunday. Is Sunday good?

Question 740 - 910: A single conservative, Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) submitted these questions, they are composed of 54 math, 67 critical reading and 49 grammar questions that appeared on the most recent version of the Scholastic Assessment Test.

Question 945: Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Question 988: Does this make me look fat?

Question 1041: I have an 18F87J50 Demo Board and am using PICkit2 to load my hex files, MPLAB IDE Version 8.43.00.00 to modify 'USB Device - HID - Simple Custom Demo - C18 - PIC18F87J50 PIM.mcp. I can successfully Build and Make hex files. I am using PICkit2 to load my hex files to the Demo Board. I am using a VB6 project I found somewhere to talk to the Demmo Board thru USB, it is call Pic18F87J50.vbp. I am trying to increment a LONG integer in the C code every time that the button on the board is pressed and then send this number to my VB6 program. This C line seems to send a 64 byte array thru USB:           USBInHandle = HIDTxPacket(HID_EP,(BYTE*)&ToSendDataBuffer[0],64);
Does my LONG integer needs to be sent as 4 BYTE characters in this byte array and how is the LONG integer set to these BYTES, say bytes  ToSendDataBuffer[1] to ToSendDataBuffer[5]??????? Also, what VB6 code would recombine the 4 bytes into a LONG integer again????

And Finally

Question 1100:  What's in your wallet?

Barbara

Dear Congressman,

I recently lost a friend to cancer. Barbara Cohen was a shining star from which light was shed upon us all. She will be missed.

In my narrow world
Information rushes in
In my narrow world
Your loss was an unqualified sin
In my narrow world
You brought a spark to a wanton flame
In my narrow world
I disavowed my contribution to the blame
In my narrow world
You showed me growth
In my narrow world
Your life was a lesson to us both
Because too many marriages are plays
Bowing to society and looking for praise
Barbara, you set the path
For which my quest did not always follow
Yet in time was satisfied
Not by conquest, boasting, or dominance
But by a laugh, or a touch of the hand
Or a simple glance at the partner you have chosen
In my narrow world
You were a part
Now my world is smaller
Now my world is sad
Now my world is changed
Now my world is truly narrow
Barbara, it should have been longer

You could be a .....

Dear Congressman,

During times of downturns in the economy, a strategy that is taken by many unemployed or under-employed citizens is to pursue additional education to enhance their job skills. Since there is such a need and nature abhors a vacuum, along comes the continued growth of "for-profit" colleges that promise to give you the skills you need to succeed in fields such as criminal justice and medical assisting, unlocking your potential for unlimited future earnings..

One such establishment in your district runs a TV commercial  that goes as follows:

Girl 1 and Girl 2 are standing together as they work in a retail clothing store. Girl 3 comes walking up to them.

Girl 1: Oh, there's what's her name. She always seems to have her life together.

Girl 3:(with massive grin on her face) Hi, how are you doing?

Girl 1: (with sour look on her face) Oh, you know, working here and going to college. (looks at scrubs girl 3 is wearing) You are working already?

Girl 3: Yeah, I got may degree in six months and have a great job as a Medical Assistant. You should do it too!

Pretty lame stuff if you ask me, but then I am not the intended audience. They are shooting for young impressionable females who have either neither the resources nor the patience to obtain a more advanced degree, thus making glamor out of the mundane.

In my alternative version, let's roll the cameras again, this time fifteen years later....

(Same store, only this time Girl 3 is working in the store and Girl 1 comes walking in)

Girl 1: Wow, I haven't seen you in years! How are you.

Girl 3: (with glum look) Oh, you know. Things are pretty tight right now, but I'm hanging in there.

Girl 1: I thought you worked as a medical assistant.

Girl 3: I still do. Just had to get a second job since Phil has been out of work for 3 years and we got 4 kids to feed. (stares at business suit girl 1 is wearing) You look like you are doing pretty good.

Girl 1: (with beaming grin) Yes, I just got promoted to senior vice president of Greed Enterprises. I came in to find a new bathing suit to wear in Barbados when Glen and I fly there next week to celebrate. That 4 year degree really came in handy over the years. You should do it too!

The perfect wife

Dear Congressman,

Today we bring you an interview by freelance journalist Matt Floors, with George Elend, considered by many to be the luckiest man alive.

(Matt sits down across from George and turns on tape record)

Matt: Good afternoon, George, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me this afternoon.

George:  Oh, no problem. I always have time for Playboy magazine!

Matt: Er... actually, that fell through. but I did get Men's Health to pick up the story.

George: Never heard of them.  
(moment of silence ensues)   Anyway, no matter... ask away...

Matt: So for the record, you have been referred to as the luckiest man alive.

George: Yes, that is true.

Matt: And why is that?

George: Probably because I am the only man in America married to a supermodel who owns a brewery.

Matt: This is, of course, every man's dream.

George: True, but it's not really what you would think.

Matt: Really, unlimited beer and a hot wife....

George: True, but in reality, my wife, Ikandi Storm, is usually at a photo shoot on some remote island in the Pacific or walking the runway at fashion show in Europe. I rarely ever see her.

Matt: When did you last see her?

George: I think it was October 2006.

Matt: Wow! Well at least you have the brewery to fall back on!

George: True, but since she is constantly traveling I have had to take over management of the brewery. She originally had her brother Claude running it, but he spent more time sampling the inventory than actually making sure it got produced, bottled, and sold. Do you have any idea how much work goes into the production, marketing, and administration of a brewery?

Matt: Uh... no...

George: There ain't a lot of glamor in it, let me tell you. I have been so busy with the new Supermodel Pale Ale launch campaign that I haven't had a sip of beer in the last 9 months.

(sound of mobile phone ringing)

George: Hello?... oh hi Mrs. Storm... no, I'm doing an interview right now so I can't ... with (puts hand over phone)  Who are you with again?

Matt: Men's Health

George: (blank stare) The Wall Street Journal, Mrs. Storm. (ensuing silence as George listens to voice on the mobile phone) Yes... yes... I'll make sure I get it on the way home... okay... bye now. (turns off phone and turns back to Matt) Shall we continue?

Matt: I'm sorry, I have to ask, what was that about?

George: That was my mother-in-law.

Matt: And?

George: She wanted me to bring some scraps from the meat shop for her pets.

Matt: Her pets?

George: Yes, she has 6 dogs, 8 cats, 2 pot belly pigs, and a budgie...

Matt: Wow, what a household, I bet you are glad you don't have to live with all that!

(George does not answer but simply stares at the floor)

Matt: Oh dear....

(Matt turns off the tape recorder)

END OF INTERVIEW