Dear Congressman,
Today we bring you an interview by freelance journalist Matt Floors, with George Elend, considered by many to be the luckiest man alive.
(Matt sits down across from George and turns on tape record)
Matt: Good afternoon, George, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me this afternoon.
George: Oh, no problem. I always have time for Playboy magazine!
Matt: Er... actually, that fell through. but I did get Men's Health to pick up the story.
George: Never heard of them.
(moment of silence ensues) Anyway, no matter... ask away...
Matt: So for the record, you have been referred to as the luckiest man alive.
George: Yes, that is true.
Matt: And why is that?
George: Probably because I am the only man in America married to a supermodel who owns a brewery.
Matt: This is, of course, every man's dream.
George: True, but it's not really what you would think.
Matt: Really, unlimited beer and a hot wife....
George: True, but in reality, my wife, Ikandi Storm, is usually at a photo shoot on some remote island in the Pacific or walking the runway at fashion show in Europe. I rarely ever see her.
Matt: When did you last see her?
George: I think it was October 2006.
Matt: Wow! Well at least you have the brewery to fall back on!
George: True, but since she is constantly traveling I have had to take over management of the brewery. She originally had her brother Claude running it, but he spent more time sampling the inventory than actually making sure it got produced, bottled, and sold. Do you have any idea how much work goes into the production, marketing, and administration of a brewery?
Matt: Uh... no...
George: There ain't a lot of glamor in it, let me tell you. I have been so busy with the new Supermodel Pale Ale launch campaign that I haven't had a sip of beer in the last 9 months.
(sound of mobile phone ringing)
George: Hello?... oh hi Mrs. Storm... no, I'm doing an interview right now so I can't ... with (puts hand over phone) Who are you with again?
Matt: Men's Health
George: (blank stare) The Wall Street Journal, Mrs. Storm. (ensuing silence as George listens to voice on the mobile phone) Yes... yes... I'll make sure I get it on the way home... okay... bye now. (turns off phone and turns back to Matt) Shall we continue?
Matt: I'm sorry, I have to ask, what was that about?
George: That was my mother-in-law.
Matt: And?
George: She wanted me to bring some scraps from the meat shop for her pets.
Matt: Her pets?
George: Yes, she has 6 dogs, 8 cats, 2 pot belly pigs, and a budgie...
Matt: Wow, what a household, I bet you are glad you don't have to live with all that!
(George does not answer but simply stares at the floor)
Matt: Oh dear....
(Matt turns off the tape recorder)
END OF INTERVIEW
