Barbara

Dear Congressman,

I recently lost a friend to cancer. Barbara Cohen was a shining star from which light was shed upon us all. She will be missed.

In my narrow world
Information rushes in
In my narrow world
Your loss was an unqualified sin
In my narrow world
You brought a spark to a wanton flame
In my narrow world
I disavowed my contribution to the blame
In my narrow world
You showed me growth
In my narrow world
Your life was a lesson to us both
Because too many marriages are plays
Bowing to society and looking for praise
Barbara, you set the path
For which my quest did not always follow
Yet in time was satisfied
Not by conquest, boasting, or dominance
But by a laugh, or a touch of the hand
Or a simple glance at the partner you have chosen
In my narrow world
You were a part
Now my world is smaller
Now my world is sad
Now my world is changed
Now my world is truly narrow
Barbara, it should have been longer

You could be a .....

Dear Congressman,

During times of downturns in the economy, a strategy that is taken by many unemployed or under-employed citizens is to pursue additional education to enhance their job skills. Since there is such a need and nature abhors a vacuum, along comes the continued growth of "for-profit" colleges that promise to give you the skills you need to succeed in fields such as criminal justice and medical assisting, unlocking your potential for unlimited future earnings..

One such establishment in your district runs a TV commercial  that goes as follows:

Girl 1 and Girl 2 are standing together as they work in a retail clothing store. Girl 3 comes walking up to them.

Girl 1: Oh, there's what's her name. She always seems to have her life together.

Girl 3:(with massive grin on her face) Hi, how are you doing?

Girl 1: (with sour look on her face) Oh, you know, working here and going to college. (looks at scrubs girl 3 is wearing) You are working already?

Girl 3: Yeah, I got may degree in six months and have a great job as a Medical Assistant. You should do it too!

Pretty lame stuff if you ask me, but then I am not the intended audience. They are shooting for young impressionable females who have either neither the resources nor the patience to obtain a more advanced degree, thus making glamor out of the mundane.

In my alternative version, let's roll the cameras again, this time fifteen years later....

(Same store, only this time Girl 3 is working in the store and Girl 1 comes walking in)

Girl 1: Wow, I haven't seen you in years! How are you.

Girl 3: (with glum look) Oh, you know. Things are pretty tight right now, but I'm hanging in there.

Girl 1: I thought you worked as a medical assistant.

Girl 3: I still do. Just had to get a second job since Phil has been out of work for 3 years and we got 4 kids to feed. (stares at business suit girl 1 is wearing) You look like you are doing pretty good.

Girl 1: (with beaming grin) Yes, I just got promoted to senior vice president of Greed Enterprises. I came in to find a new bathing suit to wear in Barbados when Glen and I fly there next week to celebrate. That 4 year degree really came in handy over the years. You should do it too!

The perfect wife

Dear Congressman,

Today we bring you an interview by freelance journalist Matt Floors, with George Elend, considered by many to be the luckiest man alive.

(Matt sits down across from George and turns on tape record)

Matt: Good afternoon, George, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me this afternoon.

George:  Oh, no problem. I always have time for Playboy magazine!

Matt: Er... actually, that fell through. but I did get Men's Health to pick up the story.

George: Never heard of them.  
(moment of silence ensues)   Anyway, no matter... ask away...

Matt: So for the record, you have been referred to as the luckiest man alive.

George: Yes, that is true.

Matt: And why is that?

George: Probably because I am the only man in America married to a supermodel who owns a brewery.

Matt: This is, of course, every man's dream.

George: True, but it's not really what you would think.

Matt: Really, unlimited beer and a hot wife....

George: True, but in reality, my wife, Ikandi Storm, is usually at a photo shoot on some remote island in the Pacific or walking the runway at fashion show in Europe. I rarely ever see her.

Matt: When did you last see her?

George: I think it was October 2006.

Matt: Wow! Well at least you have the brewery to fall back on!

George: True, but since she is constantly traveling I have had to take over management of the brewery. She originally had her brother Claude running it, but he spent more time sampling the inventory than actually making sure it got produced, bottled, and sold. Do you have any idea how much work goes into the production, marketing, and administration of a brewery?

Matt: Uh... no...

George: There ain't a lot of glamor in it, let me tell you. I have been so busy with the new Supermodel Pale Ale launch campaign that I haven't had a sip of beer in the last 9 months.

(sound of mobile phone ringing)

George: Hello?... oh hi Mrs. Storm... no, I'm doing an interview right now so I can't ... with (puts hand over phone)  Who are you with again?

Matt: Men's Health

George: (blank stare) The Wall Street Journal, Mrs. Storm. (ensuing silence as George listens to voice on the mobile phone) Yes... yes... I'll make sure I get it on the way home... okay... bye now. (turns off phone and turns back to Matt) Shall we continue?

Matt: I'm sorry, I have to ask, what was that about?

George: That was my mother-in-law.

Matt: And?

George: She wanted me to bring some scraps from the meat shop for her pets.

Matt: Her pets?

George: Yes, she has 6 dogs, 8 cats, 2 pot belly pigs, and a budgie...

Matt: Wow, what a household, I bet you are glad you don't have to live with all that!

(George does not answer but simply stares at the floor)

Matt: Oh dear....

(Matt turns off the tape recorder)

END OF INTERVIEW

Cut to the chase

Dear Congressman,

It appears with the advent of the internet has led to the demise of professional journalism, as newspaper and magazine alike have been savaged by this new forum over the last 15 or so years. So it is not unusual to see articles that, for lack of a better word, cut to the chase...

Case in point, a well known Ohio State Senator was arrested in Southern Indiana for driving under the influence. Mr. Robert Mecklenborg is a local attorney for a reputable Cincinnati law firm, who as a card carrying member of the Republican party, decided that Democrats should not be the only one's to have fun. I think this clip from the Cincinnati Business Courier covers it nicely:

Mecklenborg resigns after DUI Date: Monday, July 18, 2011, 5:34am EDT Ohio Rep. Robert Mecklenborg, R-Green Township, resigned Sunday after being arrested for drunken driving in Indiana with a stripper in his car and Viagra in his system. By making his resignation effective Aug. 2, Robert Mecklenborg, R-Green Township, ensured that he will be paid for July, the Columbus Dispatch reported.

To recap, it only took one sentence of 24 or so words to inform the reader that Mr. Mecklenborg has been accused of a) consuming intoxicants b) picking up a younger woman of somewhat dubious repute c) having erectile issues as he had to pop a "woody pill" while in the company of the younger woman of somewhat dubious repute d) operating his motor vehicle while having alcohol and viagra in his blood stream e) implying that the younger woman of somewhat ill repute was in his vehicle to be transported for purposes of participating an impeding episode of adulterous behavior and f) has acknowledged that he could no longer represent his district in southwestern Ohio while defending himself against the allegations that he went on a bender complete with booze and loose women.

It goes without saying that Mr. Mecklenborg is happily married with three children. He has yet to really explain why he was giving a ride to an employee of Concepts Show Girls, LLC, but I'm sure there is a logical explanation.

The second sentence also makes short work of pointing out the timing of Mr. Mecklenborg's announcement, showing that even though he did not demonstrate moral restraint, he is still capable of financial responsibility when it comes to his own pocketbook.

Personally, I would hate to have the two sentence blurb from the Business Courier be the main historical record of my existence, but then I don't remember ever (allegedly) driving while liquored up with an exotic dancer in my car....

Polls Apart...

Dear Congressman,

From a recently poll performed by the Public Opinion Strategies and Lake Research Partners, the following information was gleaned:

95 percent of voters say owning the home is the best long-term investment they can make
73 percent of voters who do not own a home aspire to become a homeowner in the future
95 percent of homeowners say they are happy with their decision to own a home
73 percent of voters believe it is appropriate and reasonable for the federal government to provide tax incentives to encourage homeownership

The poll queried 2,000 people and claims an error rate of + or - 3.5%.

Here's the issues I have with this particular poll:

1. Duh! 1/3 of the population of this planet wake up in the morning in quarters that have no electricity or running water. Suffice it to say the rest of us that do have running water and electricity and have endured the stigma of crappy landlords would rather be a homeowner than a tenant. Would you rather own your dog/cat or rent one from the pet store that could repossess it at any moment in time for any whim? It is still... after all... the American Dream.

2. The poll was paid for by the National Association of Home Builders. Needless to say, if this survey had demonstrated that only 17% of people though owning a home as a good idea, this poll would have been buried somewhere under Jimmy Hoffa's final resting place quicker than you can say "Fargo" three times. I have a sneaking suspicion that the NAHB's Christmas wish-list includes every person in the United States, regardless of race, sex, religion or age, would march to the bank, get a loan lined up, and put a dormant homebuilder to work building new homes for new homeowners. And everyone would smile and wave from behind the white picket fence in front of their brand new home!!!!

3. I am always a little leery of polls that have a small sample size. Since the US population is about 307,006,550 (google data) and they polled 2,000 of them, then our sample size to represent the feelings of the average US citizen was 0.000065% of the population at large, or 1 in every 153,503 American's were asked their opinion. Seems a pretty thin slice to me.

Social Networks I'd like to see...

Dear Congressman,

Since everyone and their grandmother is on the internet 24/7, I thought I would take the time to outline some sites I would like to see out there, to reflect the true nature of the human condition...

Back Book- yes finally a site for all the back biters out there. Instead of “friends” you would have “frienemies” and, of course, the like button is replaced by the “you’ve got to be kidding”, “gag me with a spoon”, and the “Jane, you ignorant slut!” buttons. However, unlike other social media sites, when you make degrading comments and the whole world can see it was you, this site has a scramble feature, that will attribute your scathing tirade to an unsuspecting member of your frienemy list. Fun galore as you slag everyone and everything to your heart’s content, while your frienemy list wonders who the culprit is.

My Grace – if Budweiser and cheeseburgers have taken their toll on you over the years, then this site is for you! Once you upload recent pictures of your bloated self, the programmers at My Grace have developed morphing software that could have turn Pavarrati into Rambo. Receding or missing hairline? No problem! This site can give you more hair than a 1971 rock concert.

Kinkedin –Do you have gigantic business or political ambitions and an oversized libido to match? Look no further than this network. As privately endorsed by Anthony Weiner, Chris Lee and Elliot Spitzer, Kinkedin is a secure anonymous business social network that “gets on with the business”. All young beautiful women are welcomed into the group with open arms, and in some cases legs, after they have signed the ironclad confidentiality agreement that forfeits all their rights and dignity to horn-dog middle-aged white men from upstate New York.

New York, New York

Dear Congressman,

Normally I am trying to keep you up to date on the doings around the country and the world as you sacrifice your life and limb fighting the many liberals on Capitol Hill, but today's topic is about ... well... your peers, specifically New York congressmen...

First came Chris Lee, the former congressman representing New York's 26th district. Mr. Lee thought it would be okay to claim to be both unmarried and a lobbyist on Craigslist to gain the affections of other women. He is famed for running into a bathroom aka-superman phone-booth style - tearing off his shirt and snapping a pic to send to the other party in question. Too bad he used his real name, as he was found out pretty quickly and resigned the next day.

Now comes Anthony Weiner, the House of Representatives member representing the 9th district of New York. Mr. Weiner also likes to take pictures without his shirt on and send them to women who befriended him on either twitter or facebook. Additionally, Mr. Weiner discussed his weener with a female blackjack dealer as recreated by Bill Maher and Jane Lynch here. (note: explicit language, funny, but explicit). Anthony so far has refused to resign from the House, but one has to think he will probably not far behind Mr. Lee is packing up his desk early.

So I have to ask, is there something in the water of New York State that creates egomaniac narcissistic power brokers with a boner and no common sense? Does the oath of office for representatives for the State of New York include the pledge to "provide utmost customer service while taking time to service the customer".

As for another idea for attacking the deficit, I would sell memberships to the House gym using both these guys as poster children, as it must have some pretty functional equipment as you could bounce a quarter off either of their abs.

Washboard abs for some and lower taxes for all!!!!!

Yours for a song...

Dear Congressman,

Due to the terrible conditions in the real estate market both here and overseas, I thought I would show some of the real estate available to general public.

BORING BLOG FOR CHABOT REALTY PRESENTS:

The Caves of Pakistan & Afghanistan

1. ASMAR near $ 178,000
Yes, look at this beauty. Stunning views and just fifty or so miles north of Asmar in the hills of eastern Afghanistan, this one of a kind hillside heaven includes built-in alarm system with infrared and sonic wave technology, steep graded access to keep those pesky tourists from bothering you, and a natural sulfur sauna on the bottom level to soak those tired feet after a long day of hiking to the nearest fresh water well!

2. Peshawar $450,000
This cavern is a perfect spot for the individual looking for some solitude away from civilization. Built miles from nowhere in particular, this beauty has been occupied since cro-magnum days, with may generations of humanoids calling this structure home. A rock of ages!


3. Jalalabad $675,000
This Stone-aged gem is a fixer upper, as the last owner, before his untimely death, just could not get his supplies through from the Home Depot in Kabul due to disruptions of traffic on the A01. But this updated cave is a steal at this price, and with the modern updates such as running water and electricity, you will be the envy of all those other cave dwellers who are trying to remain anonymous in this fast paced world!!!

4. Abbottabad $ 58,000 This cave should go quickly at this steal of a price! The previous owner was recently evicted by the world's largest bank and is ready for immediate occupancy. Fully gated with an oversized yard and plenty of living space. Due to the use of force in the eviction process, there is minor damage to the security fence and some carpets will need to be replaced. You will be guaranteed privacy with this one as it is in a quiet neighborhood with very little activity.

Meanwhile, at the Palace...

Dear Congressman,

Since Julian Assange's bug in the Prime Minister's office was finally discovered, we will have to turn to the records of the phone calls from some large estate in the middle of London.

March 15, 2011
Recorded from the payphone in the staff lounge somewhere in the southwest quadrant of Buckingham Palace. A young gentleman wearing a trench coat, sunglasses, and a NY Yankees baseball cap looks around, fishes in his pocket for coins to deposit in the phone, and then dials a number after several minutes once he finally figured out how to use a rotary dialer.

Half awake male voice on the other end: Bloody hell, it's only 9 in the morning. Someone better be dead or in a coma!

Trench coat man: Audrey, wake up. It's me, Harry.

Audrey: No freaking way. Harry never gets up before noon. Who is this and how did you get my number?

Prince Harry: For @#(%& sake, Audrey. Last night in the Paisley Room of the club you let Fiona whats-her-name....

Audrey: Jesus, enough. Okay, it's you. Let's go back to my initial question, why am I up this early?

Prince Harry: I just saw Will & Kate's guest list for the wedding. We have do something!

Audrey: I don't quite follow. What is the problem with the list?

Prince Harry: I just saw the list of bridesmaids and friends that Kate is inviting.

Audrey: I'm sorry old stick, I still don't know what you are getting at. Is there someone on the list that you have a problem with?

Prince Harry: On an individual level, no. But on a group level I have a huge problem. You see, of all the unmarried females on the list, I can only list two that I haven't shagged.

Audrey: That would be Meridith Swindon-Jones and Emily Rodell-Cleves.

Prince Harry: How did you know....

Audrey: You talk too much when you are drunk, dear boy. So, if I understand correctly, you have carnal knowledge of Will & Kate's female friends without them or any of the friends knowing what you have been doing?

Prince Harry: Precisely!

Audrey: I see. First, I must say, well done!!! But I can see your predicament, as they will all be standing around for hours with nothing to do but gossip. A right Tiger Woods you got yourself into here...

Prince Harry: I was thinking about having those chaps with the funny hats over at the Tower of London round them up for safekeeping the night before the wedding and putting all of them in separate cells.

Audrey: I can see a few minor flaws with that plan, mainly that the 50 or so empty seats at Westminster and the missing bridesmaids might raise a few eyebrows.

(beeping sound comes over the line, followed by Prince Harry depositing more coints)

Audrey: What the devil was that noise? Are we being recorded?

Prince Harry: No chance of that. I am using the only phone at Granny's house that is not bugged.

Audrey: Well, let me get some more sleep and I will give your "problem" a little more thought. And cheer up, old boy. It could be a lot worse. They could have invited Lady GaGa, Amy Winehouse and Madonna...

Prince Harry: Bloody hell, good point...

A shot, bartender?

Dear Congressman,

Since you are locked away in the halls of Congress doing your national duty for the Cincinnati area, I am sure you barely have time to keep up on the doings of the Ohio Legislature. So, as a public service, I thought I might fill you in on what they have been up to:

Ohio senate to hear bill allowing guns in bars
An Ohio Senate committee passed a bill that would allow Ohioans to carry concealed weapons into bars and restaurants -- provided they don't drink, the Columbus Dispatch reported. The Senate is expected to act quickly on the legislation, voting as early as today, according to Senate Judiciary Chairman Timothy Grendell, R-Chesterland. Before the committee voted 7-2 to approve Senate Bill 17, opponents warned legislators that the proposal to loosen Ohio's gun law would lead to more violence, and they questioned how waiters and bartenders would be able to enforce the drinking ban. "Alcohol and guns do not mix," John Gilchrist of the Ohio Association of Chiefs of Police testified.

Between you, me, and the wall, I think I would tend to fall into Mr. Gilchrist's camp on this one. Is it possible that this bill being sponsored by the Coke/Pepsi/Dr Pepper lobby who are looking for more sales in Ohio water holes? Correct me if I am wrong, but the most common thing people do when first walking into a bar is to order an alcoholic beverage. Haven't spent many nights on the town where I remember a lot of people ordering Shirley Temples at the bar.

I do, however, remember reading this blurb from the Department of Justice website:

About 3 million violent crimes occur each year in which victims perceive the offender to have been drinking at the time of the offense. Among those victims who provided information about the offender's use of alcohol, about 35 percent of the victimizations involved an offender who had been drinking. About two-thirds of the alcohol-involved crimes were characterized as simple assaults.

About 35% of 3 million is about a million violent crimes involving alcohol, of which two thirds were simple assaults. Simple assault is a nice way of saying that the offending party did not have a lethal weapon on hand to utilize to upgrade the assault to the felonious type that results in grievous bodily harm.

So here's a thought, lets legally allow them to enter an establishment that serves mentally impairing beverages carrying a concealed weapon, interact with other slightly impaired patrons, wait a few hours, and see what fun results from this.

Additionally, why the hell is this even being presented for a vote in front of the Ohio Senate? Is a job creating bill, as the jobs formerly held by bar patrons suffering from acute lead poisoning will be up for grabs? Or a health care bill, as people who enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol on a daily basis will not need late-life care for cirrhosis or other alcohol related diseases as they would have already succumb to bullet wounds?

I would think at a time like this when the state coffers are empty that it would be a bad idea to eliminate eligible payers from the tax rolls.

All over Ohio I can see the following scene unfolding:

A guy walks into a bar. He looks around, then approaches the bar to address the man behind the counter cleaning wine glasses.

"What'll it be, Mister"

"I'll have a diet coke, please."

Bartender suddenly ducks behind the counter and yells "Please don't shoot! Take the money in the till if you want! Just don't kill me!!!!"


Or not...

Donald Chump....

Dear Congressman,

I have for many years been in awe of the ability of one Donald Trump to constantly get his names in the headlines. In fact, I am still amazed by his ability to run a reality TV show without bankrupting his production company, as he has done on two separate occasions with his Trump Casino in Atlantic City.

But now he has re-invented himself as a "birther", one of the numerous conspiracy theorists who seem to think that one Barrack Obama is secretly a Muslim spy who is trying to convert America into part of the new Caliphate, designed to take over the Christian world and convert all NFL/NASCAR loving red blooded American males into Allah bowing soul-submitting disciples of Islam. The birthers are convinced that one Stanley Ann Durham, a student in Hawaii at the time she met Barrack Obama Sr., snuck off at the age of 19 with an unknown funding source and managed to reach Kenya, where, in a giant field with all the villagers and wild animals looking on like a scene from The Lion King, she gave birth to our current President. Afterward, she managed to sneak him back into the United States, probably via a leaky boat across the Pacific, and check into the Kapiolani Medical Center and register his birth there.

A very talented teenager, Ms. Durham.

But back to our favorite comb-over conspirarcy theorist, Mr Trump. It appears a recent poll has rated him as only a few percentage points behind our current President. So is "the Donald" gearing up for a new career as the "CEO of America"?

Not bloody likely...

You see, to run for Political office, you have to open up your finances to the scrutiny of the nosy American public, including years and years of tax returns filed with the IRS. I am not stating that Mr. Trump has cheated on his taxes in any shape or form, but I will predict that if we ever saw those returns we would be surprised by just how little Mr. Trump is actually worth. He will be the first in line to toot his horn about just how wealthy he is, however if you ask for verification of these numbers, the comb-over drops ever-so-slightly down over the raised eyebrows right before he changes the subject quicker than Taco Bell's lawyers can file a counter lawsuit.

And for the record, how on earth do you bankrupt the same casino twice???? Casinos generally keep 3 cents of every dollar bet. So, for instance, if you walked in with $20 and bet it 10 times over the course of an hour on different games of chance, you will (again, on average) walk out with $14.75 and the casino keeps $5.25. That would be referred to as "churning" and would create a return of 26% for the house. It really takes effort to lose money with those odds, congressman.

The writer rants about writing....

Dear Congressman,

While scanning my newsreader, netvibes, I came across the following story from the Northern Kentucky Times,

Woman dies after car hits deer.
A 30-year-old driver was killed Saturday night when she struck a deer on U.S. 25 in Corinth.
Kentucky State Police said Trisha Sullivan of Corinth was driving a 2002 Toyota south when she hit the deer in the road.She was pronounced dead at the scene. Two juvenile passengers weren’t injured. Alcohol is not believed to be a factor.
The crash was reported at about 8:17 p.m.

A couple of things here. It occurred to me that whoever wrote this story was not at the scene. In fact, based on the language used and the curt nature of the article, I would venture to say that this was written word for word from the police report that was filed after the incident. It contains all the generic factual statements that are the non-committal statement of facts that all officers are taught to use to describe events in a police report.

The one that is incorrect however, is the fourth sentence in the story. I would venture to guess that the two uni-sex juveniles in the car, were most likely related to Ms. Sullivan and while demonstrating no physical injuries, are actually extremely injured by the accident, and have a high probability of developing a form of post traumatic stress disorder after witnessing the death of a close relative. Whereas alcohol was not deemed a factor in the crash, it will most likely become a factor in the life of the two uninjured juveniles at some point.

A little blip in newsprint will be forgotten by most within an hour of reading it. It will be a lifetime for the uninjured.

I only say this to point out that, at a minimum, the reporter who filed this story had a moral obligation to make a phone call or two to provide some "color" in regards to Ms. Sullivan and her two juveniles. This story doesn't have the glamor of a Middle-Eastern revolution or an Asian disaster, but it is a mini-tragedy in itself, and deserved more than this.

More decline of Western Civilization

Dear Congressman,

I recently ranted about a song I enjoyed in my youth. That song is "Trampled Under Foot" by dinosaur aged rockers Led Zeppelin. I had a long standing love of the beat and riffs that are associated with the song, but never really took the time to listen to the lyrics. Imagine my horror when I googled them and found the following:

Greasy, slicked down body, groovy leather trim
I like the way you hold the road, mama, it ain't no sin

Ooh, trouble-free transmission, helps your oils flow
Mama, let me pump your gas, mama, let me do it all

Dig that heavy metal underneath your hood
Baby, I can work all night, believe I got the perfect tools

Now, I will never be confused with Bill Shakespeare, but this is some seriously lame songwriting. I don't expect Led Zep to produce anything along the lines of Robert Frost or Lord Byron, but I can't help but wonder that they couldn't put just a tad more effort into coming up with some lines that could have been composed in an 8th grade English class.

Let's face it, a 13 year old girl could write better lyrics than that!!!!

Or so I thought...

Meet the latest Youtube sensation Rebecca Black. I have attached the link to her new video, "Friday".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

Did you make it all the way through? I know I didn't. Just for fun, here are some highlights of the lyrics from this gem.

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends

Yup, makes Eminem seem like a Rhodes Scholar to me. Here another example of Miss Black's wonder of modern music:

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin')
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after ... wards
I don't want this weekend to end

I am speechless. I keep hearing artists claiming that they smoke dope to be more creative. In these cases, I would have gladly passed around the hat to get a dime bag to help the helpless compose a sentence or two, rather than have the dribble listed above unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

Sigh....

You know what happens when you don't make quota...

Dear Congressman,

We all have our pet peeves about our bosses or our co-workers, but this case I found from 2007 really ranks up there as a "hostile" work environment.

Prosper, Inc. is a company that provides, and I quote, “executive-level coaching for individuals, the education and hands-on experiences they need to achieve their personal and professional goals.” Sounds to me like this is one of those companies that sends out someone to individual corporate seminars that involve the famous falling backward exercise while your co-workers catch you. Yawn....

But these guys managed to spice things up. Meet J. Christopherson, a supervisor at Prosper. JC was named in a lawsuit by a worker who sued them. Mr. Christopherson had unusual motivational techniques to get workers to hit their sales goals. For example, Mr. Christopherson has been accused of the following:

If you did not make your sales goal, it is alleged that JC would draw a mustache on your face with a permanent marker. Or as an alternative punishment, you would come back to your desk to find you no longer had the privilege of the use of a chair. Also, the use of a wooden paddle to bash on the desk of unsuspecting slackers was another popular method of drawing attention to deficiencies in selling abilities.

But it appears Mr. Christopherson went into overdrive in the great ideas department of his frat house mind to come up with the motivational exercise that got him and Prosper, Inc. sued by an ex-employee.

Yes, Mr. Christopher is alleged to have gone "Dick Chaney" on an employee. I will allow the court filing to tell the story:

On May 29, 2007, Mr. Christopherson asked for volunteers for a new motivational exercise. He offered no explanation to his team members regarding the nature of the exercise. In his search for volunteers, Mr. Christopherson challenged the loyalty and determination of his team members. Mr. Hudgens volunteered to be a part of the exercise to prove his loyalty and determination. Mr. Christopherson then led his team members to the top of a hill near Prosper’s office. Once on the hill, Mr. Christopherson ordered Mr. Hudgens to lie down, facing up, with his head pointed downhill. Mr. Christopherson ordered other team members to hold Mr. Hudgens down by his arms and legs. Mr. Christopherson then slowly poured water from a gallon jug over Mr. Hudgens’s mouth and nose so that he could not breathe. Mr. Hudgens struggled and tried to escape but, at Mr. Christopherson’s direction, the other team members held him down. After concluding the exercise, Mr. Christopherson instructed his team members that they should work as hard at making sales as Mr. Hudgens had worked at trying to breathe.


Folks, you can't make this stuff up.

So next time you are upset at your boss for some petty reason or other, remember, you could be working for Mr. Christopherson...

Will you be my Valentine?

Dear Congressman,

As you battle the liberal agenda on the Hill, I thought I would take the time to peruse the stories of the world to see if there is anything of interest.

I think I found it...

Courtesy of the BBC World News:

Malaysia tiger mauling stopped by wife with soup ladle

A man has been rescued from a near-fatal attack by a tiger in northern Malaysia by his wife. She entered the fray wielding a wooden soup ladle at the tiger - which fled.
Tambun Gediu, now badly lacerated and recovering in hospital, had tried hitting the tiger away in vain and says his wife saved his life.
Wildlife rangers plan to track the tiger and send it further into dense, unpopulated jungle in the the northern state of Perak.
"I was trailing a squirrel and crouched to shoot it with my blowpipe when I saw the tiger.
"That's when I realised that I was being trailed," Mr Gediu said after surgery.
The tiger pounced not far from the Gediu home in a jungle settlement of the Jahai tribe.
Mr Gediu had tried climbing a tree to escape the animal, but was dragged down by the tiger.
His wife, 55-year old Han Besau, rushed out of the kitchen on hearing his screams and used the kitchen implement to good effect.
"I was terrified and I used all my strength to punch the animal in the face, but it would not budge," the New Straits Times newspaper quoted him as saying.
"I had to wrestle with it to keep its jaws away from me, and it would have clawed me to death if my wife had not arrived."


Now, normally on Valentine's day we exchange cards, go to dinner at a nice restaurant, and catch the latest hit movie at the local theater. I personally am not familiar with anyone who's Valentine's present was being saved from a hunger tiger by your wife with a wooden ladel. This sounds more like a scenario for a new version of the board game CLUE then it does a real life event. But according to the BBC, this did happen.

To quote Eddie Izzard... "well done"...

And happy Valentines Day to the rest of you, whether you are ready to fight a tiger for love or not.

On this day...

Dear Congressman,

Today is February 13, 2011. In history on this day, the following events were recorded (courtesy of History.com):

The Catholic Church started proceeding against an Italian Astronomer named Galileo Galilei on the charge of heresy. It appeared that Galileo thought the earth revolved around the sun, and the Church disagreed. The Church won.

In 1945, Dresden, Germany was a nice place to live on the morning of February 13, but by the evening was a firestorm of death as RAF bombers turned it into a living hell, killing over 35,000 residents.

In 1689, William and Mary were proclaimed sovereign rulers of England, restoring Protestant rule in place of the Catholic reign of Mary's father, James II. This proclamation included a "Bill of Rights" for the people of Britain, a precursor to the 1789 version that amended the US Constitution 100 years later.

And nearer to my heart, on this day two years ago in 2009, my mum passed away in the early hours of the morning after a 5 year battle with cancer. Melody and I were aware the night before we left her that it would probably be the last time we would see her alive, as she had been non-responsive for over 24 hours as she concentrated on just breathing. My brother had flown into town a day before to join the vigil with my sister, my wife, and myself over those last few days. So she been attended to by the people who she loved the most when the final days came, and we got to be there for her to make her as comfortable as possible.

Two years have passed and I still think of her every day. She had battled cancer before in the early 1990's, and had beaten it back with the same strong will that she tackled every problem in her life. After the diagnosis of a stage 4 re-occurrence in 2003, I would talk to her every day on the phone, carving out time to see what was going on in her life and give her the lowdown on mine. Saturdays were generally reserved for going over to her condo and vacuuming, as the cancer had spread to her bones and made this task difficult. Afterward we would go out to eat at a nearby restaurant, calling Melody to join us if she was in the area and available. Many a good and bad story was shared at these festive tables.

Beginning in 2006, we would plan an annual vacation to Emerald Isle, North Carolina. We would always rent a cabin directly on the beach, allowing us to drink our coffee watching the ocean as we tried to spot the dolphins swimming along the shoreline in the morning sun. We would invariably lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, El Zarape, and then follow up with a family dinner that we would cook at the beach house.

So with the many memories and good times I was able to share with my mum, I feel very blessed that we were able to squeeze so many years of living into such as short span. Thank you for being who you were, mum.

I love you.

Superbowl mania

Dear Congressman,

It appears that another NFL season has ended with the Green Bay Packers edging out the Pittsburgh Steelers on a cold night in Dallas. This annual "carnivale americana" went off with very few hitches, unless you were one of the 400 holders of $900 a seat tickets that were denied entry to the game by the Arlington Fire Marshall, and then it really sucked sitting deep in the stadium watching the game on a flat screen TV as you could hear the roar and rumble of the crowd above you.

But for us Cincinnatians, the ultimate outcome of any game against the Pittsburgh Steelers is a loss. For those who are unaware, Cincinnati became an NFL team in 1968 and has always been in the same division as the Steelers, providing a red carpet to a perennial two-easy-wins-a-year for Pittsburgh when they met Cincinnati in the home and away series that are an annual part of NFL division rivals. In fact, I think it would not be beyond rational thinking that the citizens and fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers owe a debt of gratitude to Bengals owner Mike Brown for continuing to field a team that provides a platform to base a winning season on year after year. But as a Bengals fan since their inception in the late 60's, there is a definite basis for hating the Steelers as they devour my team year after year.

Now don't get me wrong, this is not a slash the tires, curse the fans, kick their pet dog kind of hatred. This is a "damn I am so jealous I want to puke" hatred. After all, the Bengals will a draft a player regardless of their previous criminal record or very apparent attitude problems while Pittsburgh gets rid of trouble-causing thugs, to the point that they almost traded their Superbowl proven quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, earlier this year after his alleged off-the-field escapades with assaults on drunken young women. So even though I hate the Steelers, I like hating the Steelers, and don't want them to change anything they do to be as good of a team as they are, as this is the type of team I want my Bengals to be.

Only not as hated as the Steelers...

Ark Park lark....

Dear Congressman,

It appears our good friends just south of the Ohio river have decided that having a creationism museum is not quite enough literal Bible interpretation for the good people of Kentucky. Now, as a stimulus to the local economy, that an Ark Encounter park is in the works, complete with a 500 foot wooden ark replica, lots of live animals, a replica of the Tower of Babel and a 1st century Middle Eastern Village.

In fact, Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear announced in December that the state would cough up $43 million in tax incentives if the park generated the $250 million annual impact on the state's economy that a consultant's study predicted.

The only problem is that the attendance figures they projected would outstrip the most recent year's attendance numbers for Kentucky Kingdom amusement park and match those of Cincinnati's Kings Island. Not that it isn't doable, as God can pack the house on any given Sunday, but when given the option of riding the Beast roller coaster or smelling a beast in a stall full of straw and manure, I think the roller coaster is going to win out nine times out of ten.

So, other than a giant ark, an unfinished Tower, and a petting zoo, it sounds like we need to spice things up a big at Ark Encounter. Of course, I have a few ideas....

Dunk Darwin: Tired of all that evolution mumbo jumbo and don't want to take it anymore? Then show your true feeling and take your turn at the Charles Darwin dunking booth, complete with a replica dinosaur egg to toss at a dodo bird target than dumps the Darwin look-a-like into the water, showing just how wet his ideas really are.

Swaggart Swing: Yes, you can experience the ups and downs of Evangelical Minister Jimmy Swaggart on his mini-ark swing ride. Shriek with excitement as you swing into the waiting arms of Jesus, only to be swung the next minute back to the land of Jezebels & temptation, all the while shouting out (in unison) "Jesus loves me" or "I have sinned!", depending on the ride's location. A great learning experience for the young ones!!!!

Sinbad's Islamoland : A great opportunity to learn about our neighbors to the east, as you ride a magic carpet sled through the land of Islamic rule. Watch in awe as they cut off the hand off a thief, stone a prostitute to death, and then attempt to blow up your magic carpet in a simulated suicide bombing attempt, only to be thwarted by a Rambo look-a-like who beats the crap out of them and then converts every last one of them over to Jesus's side. Good times...

and finally,

Hell, the Ride : a true-to-the-Bible rendering of what all those Evangelical preachers have been trying to get through to you ever since you have been sleeping through Church as a youngster. Walk through the maze of flame and sulphur that is kept at a constant 112F/44C for your total discomfort. Watch in horror as Satan's work force torture and maim sinners, fornicators, and people who didn't tithe with the same vim and vigor as if they were working on Stalin, Hitler, or Leona Helmsley. Let go a big sigh of relief at the end when the 50 foot mechanical Beelzebub chooses a family other than yours to be eternally damned to fire and ash as they are led away screaming and kicking by actors dressed as Satan's helpers. Of course, the family being dragged off are actors too, but your kids don't know that. Should be good for at least six months of pious and obedient behavior from your personal little devils....

Sadness to start

Dear Congressman,

My blogs to you will normally be light hearted in nature and hopefully humorous in general, but today's blog entry, our first, will be a sad one.

Yesterday, what has been described as a deranged individual, attended an event put on by Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords of Arizona, pulled out a handgun and started shooting, killing six people and wounding 14, including Representative Giffords. As we all know, Ms. Giffords was critically injured with a gunshot wound to the head. Surgeons (as I type) have stemmed the bleeding and kept the swelling to a minimum, but it will be many days or weeks before we know if M.s Giffords will have any chance of a normal life after this incident.

I wanted to begin this blog with something witty or funny, but we must start with an instance of violence. There are violent incidents on an hourly basis all over our country, but it is the rare event that a politician is targeted.

Don't get me wrong, the average American believes the average politician is power hungry and doesn't care about them. But, it doesn't mean that we want people on the street deciding to kill them. An important difference between what happens here and, for example, what is happening in Mexico is that we do not target our politicians with weapons or force to obtain our gains. We will continue to grip that our politicians are targeted by bribes and graft from lobbyists and ner-do-good types, but we settle our scores at the ballot box, not down the muzzle of a gun.

So I would hope that all Americans, from those who flaunt NRA stickers on their cars to the pacifists who carry spiders out of their house rather than stomp on them, realize that the acts of a deranged individual should solidify our stance for freedom, not divide us into factions fighting over the tragedy's meaning.