Dear Congressman,
Since Julian Assange's bug in the Prime Minister's office was finally discovered, we will have to turn to the records of the phone calls from some large estate in the middle of London.
March 15, 2011
Recorded from the payphone in the staff lounge somewhere in the southwest quadrant of Buckingham Palace. A young gentleman wearing a trench coat, sunglasses, and a NY Yankees baseball cap looks around, fishes in his pocket for coins to deposit in the phone, and then dials a number after several minutes once he finally figured out how to use a rotary dialer.
Half awake male voice on the other end: Bloody hell, it's only 9 in the morning. Someone better be dead or in a coma!
Trench coat man: Audrey, wake up. It's me, Harry.
Audrey: No freaking way. Harry never gets up before noon. Who is this and how did you get my number?
Prince Harry: For @#(%& sake, Audrey. Last night in the Paisley Room of the club you let Fiona whats-her-name....
Audrey: Jesus, enough. Okay, it's you. Let's go back to my initial question, why am I up this early?
Prince Harry: I just saw Will & Kate's guest list for the wedding. We have do something!
Audrey: I don't quite follow. What is the problem with the list?
Prince Harry: I just saw the list of bridesmaids and friends that Kate is inviting.
Audrey: I'm sorry old stick, I still don't know what you are getting at. Is there someone on the list that you have a problem with?
Prince Harry: On an individual level, no. But on a group level I have a huge problem. You see, of all the unmarried females on the list, I can only list two that I haven't shagged.
Audrey: That would be Meridith Swindon-Jones and Emily Rodell-Cleves.
Prince Harry: How did you know....
Audrey: You talk too much when you are drunk, dear boy. So, if I understand correctly, you have carnal knowledge of Will & Kate's female friends without them or any of the friends knowing what you have been doing?
Prince Harry: Precisely!
Audrey: I see. First, I must say, well done!!! But I can see your predicament, as they will all be standing around for hours with nothing to do but gossip. A right Tiger Woods you got yourself into here...
Prince Harry: I was thinking about having those chaps with the funny hats over at the Tower of London round them up for safekeeping the night before the wedding and putting all of them in separate cells.
Audrey: I can see a few minor flaws with that plan, mainly that the 50 or so empty seats at Westminster and the missing bridesmaids might raise a few eyebrows.
(beeping sound comes over the line, followed by Prince Harry depositing more coints)
Audrey: What the devil was that noise? Are we being recorded?
Prince Harry: No chance of that. I am using the only phone at Granny's house that is not bugged.
Audrey: Well, let me get some more sleep and I will give your "problem" a little more thought. And cheer up, old boy. It could be a lot worse. They could have invited Lady GaGa, Amy Winehouse and Madonna...
Prince Harry: Bloody hell, good point...
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A shot, bartender?
Dear Congressman,
Since you are locked away in the halls of Congress doing your national duty for the Cincinnati area, I am sure you barely have time to keep up on the doings of the Ohio Legislature. So, as a public service, I thought I might fill you in on what they have been up to:
Ohio senate to hear bill allowing guns in bars
An Ohio Senate committee passed a bill that would allow Ohioans to carry concealed weapons into bars and restaurants -- provided they don't drink, the Columbus Dispatch reported. The Senate is expected to act quickly on the legislation, voting as early as today, according to Senate Judiciary Chairman Timothy Grendell, R-Chesterland. Before the committee voted 7-2 to approve Senate Bill 17, opponents warned legislators that the proposal to loosen Ohio's gun law would lead to more violence, and they questioned how waiters and bartenders would be able to enforce the drinking ban. "Alcohol and guns do not mix," John Gilchrist of the Ohio Association of Chiefs of Police testified.
Between you, me, and the wall, I think I would tend to fall into Mr. Gilchrist's camp on this one. Is it possible that this bill being sponsored by the Coke/Pepsi/Dr Pepper lobby who are looking for more sales in Ohio water holes? Correct me if I am wrong, but the most common thing people do when first walking into a bar is to order an alcoholic beverage. Haven't spent many nights on the town where I remember a lot of people ordering Shirley Temples at the bar.
I do, however, remember reading this blurb from the Department of Justice website:
About 3 million violent crimes occur each year in which victims perceive the offender to have been drinking at the time of the offense. Among those victims who provided information about the offender's use of alcohol, about 35 percent of the victimizations involved an offender who had been drinking. About two-thirds of the alcohol-involved crimes were characterized as simple assaults.
About 35% of 3 million is about a million violent crimes involving alcohol, of which two thirds were simple assaults. Simple assault is a nice way of saying that the offending party did not have a lethal weapon on hand to utilize to upgrade the assault to the felonious type that results in grievous bodily harm.
So here's a thought, lets legally allow them to enter an establishment that serves mentally impairing beverages carrying a concealed weapon, interact with other slightly impaired patrons, wait a few hours, and see what fun results from this.
Additionally, why the hell is this even being presented for a vote in front of the Ohio Senate? Is a job creating bill, as the jobs formerly held by bar patrons suffering from acute lead poisoning will be up for grabs? Or a health care bill, as people who enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol on a daily basis will not need late-life care for cirrhosis or other alcohol related diseases as they would have already succumb to bullet wounds?
I would think at a time like this when the state coffers are empty that it would be a bad idea to eliminate eligible payers from the tax rolls.
All over Ohio I can see the following scene unfolding:
A guy walks into a bar. He looks around, then approaches the bar to address the man behind the counter cleaning wine glasses.
"What'll it be, Mister"
"I'll have a diet coke, please."
Bartender suddenly ducks behind the counter and yells "Please don't shoot! Take the money in the till if you want! Just don't kill me!!!!"
Or not...
Since you are locked away in the halls of Congress doing your national duty for the Cincinnati area, I am sure you barely have time to keep up on the doings of the Ohio Legislature. So, as a public service, I thought I might fill you in on what they have been up to:
Ohio senate to hear bill allowing guns in bars
An Ohio Senate committee passed a bill that would allow Ohioans to carry concealed weapons into bars and restaurants -- provided they don't drink, the Columbus Dispatch reported. The Senate is expected to act quickly on the legislation, voting as early as today, according to Senate Judiciary Chairman Timothy Grendell, R-Chesterland. Before the committee voted 7-2 to approve Senate Bill 17, opponents warned legislators that the proposal to loosen Ohio's gun law would lead to more violence, and they questioned how waiters and bartenders would be able to enforce the drinking ban. "Alcohol and guns do not mix," John Gilchrist of the Ohio Association of Chiefs of Police testified.
Between you, me, and the wall, I think I would tend to fall into Mr. Gilchrist's camp on this one. Is it possible that this bill being sponsored by the Coke/Pepsi/Dr Pepper lobby who are looking for more sales in Ohio water holes? Correct me if I am wrong, but the most common thing people do when first walking into a bar is to order an alcoholic beverage. Haven't spent many nights on the town where I remember a lot of people ordering Shirley Temples at the bar.
I do, however, remember reading this blurb from the Department of Justice website:
About 3 million violent crimes occur each year in which victims perceive the offender to have been drinking at the time of the offense. Among those victims who provided information about the offender's use of alcohol, about 35 percent of the victimizations involved an offender who had been drinking. About two-thirds of the alcohol-involved crimes were characterized as simple assaults.
About 35% of 3 million is about a million violent crimes involving alcohol, of which two thirds were simple assaults. Simple assault is a nice way of saying that the offending party did not have a lethal weapon on hand to utilize to upgrade the assault to the felonious type that results in grievous bodily harm.
So here's a thought, lets legally allow them to enter an establishment that serves mentally impairing beverages carrying a concealed weapon, interact with other slightly impaired patrons, wait a few hours, and see what fun results from this.
Additionally, why the hell is this even being presented for a vote in front of the Ohio Senate? Is a job creating bill, as the jobs formerly held by bar patrons suffering from acute lead poisoning will be up for grabs? Or a health care bill, as people who enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol on a daily basis will not need late-life care for cirrhosis or other alcohol related diseases as they would have already succumb to bullet wounds?
I would think at a time like this when the state coffers are empty that it would be a bad idea to eliminate eligible payers from the tax rolls.
All over Ohio I can see the following scene unfolding:
A guy walks into a bar. He looks around, then approaches the bar to address the man behind the counter cleaning wine glasses.
"What'll it be, Mister"
"I'll have a diet coke, please."
Bartender suddenly ducks behind the counter and yells "Please don't shoot! Take the money in the till if you want! Just don't kill me!!!!"
Or not...
Monday, April 11, 2011
Donald Chump....
Dear Congressman,
I have for many years been in awe of the ability of one Donald Trump to constantly get his names in the headlines. In fact, I am still amazed by his ability to run a reality TV show without bankrupting his production company, as he has done on two separate occasions with his Trump Casino in Atlantic City.
But now he has re-invented himself as a "birther", one of the numerous conspiracy theorists who seem to think that one Barrack Obama is secretly a Muslim spy who is trying to convert America into part of the new Caliphate, designed to take over the Christian world and convert all NFL/NASCAR loving red blooded American males into Allah bowing soul-submitting disciples of Islam. The birthers are convinced that one Stanley Ann Durham, a student in Hawaii at the time she met Barrack Obama Sr., snuck off at the age of 19 with an unknown funding source and managed to reach Kenya, where, in a giant field with all the villagers and wild animals looking on like a scene from The Lion King, she gave birth to our current President. Afterward, she managed to sneak him back into the United States, probably via a leaky boat across the Pacific, and check into the Kapiolani Medical Center and register his birth there.
A very talented teenager, Ms. Durham.
But back to our favorite comb-over conspirarcy theorist, Mr Trump. It appears a recent poll has rated him as only a few percentage points behind our current President. So is "the Donald" gearing up for a new career as the "CEO of America"?
Not bloody likely...
You see, to run for Political office, you have to open up your finances to the scrutiny of the nosy American public, including years and years of tax returns filed with the IRS. I am not stating that Mr. Trump has cheated on his taxes in any shape or form, but I will predict that if we ever saw those returns we would be surprised by just how little Mr. Trump is actually worth. He will be the first in line to toot his horn about just how wealthy he is, however if you ask for verification of these numbers, the comb-over drops ever-so-slightly down over the raised eyebrows right before he changes the subject quicker than Taco Bell's lawyers can file a counter lawsuit.
And for the record, how on earth do you bankrupt the same casino twice???? Casinos generally keep 3 cents of every dollar bet. So, for instance, if you walked in with $20 and bet it 10 times over the course of an hour on different games of chance, you will (again, on average) walk out with $14.75 and the casino keeps $5.25. That would be referred to as "churning" and would create a return of 26% for the house. It really takes effort to lose money with those odds, congressman.
I have for many years been in awe of the ability of one Donald Trump to constantly get his names in the headlines. In fact, I am still amazed by his ability to run a reality TV show without bankrupting his production company, as he has done on two separate occasions with his Trump Casino in Atlantic City.
But now he has re-invented himself as a "birther", one of the numerous conspiracy theorists who seem to think that one Barrack Obama is secretly a Muslim spy who is trying to convert America into part of the new Caliphate, designed to take over the Christian world and convert all NFL/NASCAR loving red blooded American males into Allah bowing soul-submitting disciples of Islam. The birthers are convinced that one Stanley Ann Durham, a student in Hawaii at the time she met Barrack Obama Sr., snuck off at the age of 19 with an unknown funding source and managed to reach Kenya, where, in a giant field with all the villagers and wild animals looking on like a scene from The Lion King, she gave birth to our current President. Afterward, she managed to sneak him back into the United States, probably via a leaky boat across the Pacific, and check into the Kapiolani Medical Center and register his birth there.
A very talented teenager, Ms. Durham.
But back to our favorite comb-over conspirarcy theorist, Mr Trump. It appears a recent poll has rated him as only a few percentage points behind our current President. So is "the Donald" gearing up for a new career as the "CEO of America"?
Not bloody likely...
You see, to run for Political office, you have to open up your finances to the scrutiny of the nosy American public, including years and years of tax returns filed with the IRS. I am not stating that Mr. Trump has cheated on his taxes in any shape or form, but I will predict that if we ever saw those returns we would be surprised by just how little Mr. Trump is actually worth. He will be the first in line to toot his horn about just how wealthy he is, however if you ask for verification of these numbers, the comb-over drops ever-so-slightly down over the raised eyebrows right before he changes the subject quicker than Taco Bell's lawyers can file a counter lawsuit.
And for the record, how on earth do you bankrupt the same casino twice???? Casinos generally keep 3 cents of every dollar bet. So, for instance, if you walked in with $20 and bet it 10 times over the course of an hour on different games of chance, you will (again, on average) walk out with $14.75 and the casino keeps $5.25. That would be referred to as "churning" and would create a return of 26% for the house. It really takes effort to lose money with those odds, congressman.
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