Meanwhile, at the Palace...

Dear Congressman,

Since Julian Assange's bug in the Prime Minister's office was finally discovered, we will have to turn to the records of the phone calls from some large estate in the middle of London.

March 15, 2011
Recorded from the payphone in the staff lounge somewhere in the southwest quadrant of Buckingham Palace. A young gentleman wearing a trench coat, sunglasses, and a NY Yankees baseball cap looks around, fishes in his pocket for coins to deposit in the phone, and then dials a number after several minutes once he finally figured out how to use a rotary dialer.

Half awake male voice on the other end: Bloody hell, it's only 9 in the morning. Someone better be dead or in a coma!

Trench coat man: Audrey, wake up. It's me, Harry.

Audrey: No freaking way. Harry never gets up before noon. Who is this and how did you get my number?

Prince Harry: For @#(%& sake, Audrey. Last night in the Paisley Room of the club you let Fiona whats-her-name....

Audrey: Jesus, enough. Okay, it's you. Let's go back to my initial question, why am I up this early?

Prince Harry: I just saw Will & Kate's guest list for the wedding. We have do something!

Audrey: I don't quite follow. What is the problem with the list?

Prince Harry: I just saw the list of bridesmaids and friends that Kate is inviting.

Audrey: I'm sorry old stick, I still don't know what you are getting at. Is there someone on the list that you have a problem with?

Prince Harry: On an individual level, no. But on a group level I have a huge problem. You see, of all the unmarried females on the list, I can only list two that I haven't shagged.

Audrey: That would be Meridith Swindon-Jones and Emily Rodell-Cleves.

Prince Harry: How did you know....

Audrey: You talk too much when you are drunk, dear boy. So, if I understand correctly, you have carnal knowledge of Will & Kate's female friends without them or any of the friends knowing what you have been doing?

Prince Harry: Precisely!

Audrey: I see. First, I must say, well done!!! But I can see your predicament, as they will all be standing around for hours with nothing to do but gossip. A right Tiger Woods you got yourself into here...

Prince Harry: I was thinking about having those chaps with the funny hats over at the Tower of London round them up for safekeeping the night before the wedding and putting all of them in separate cells.

Audrey: I can see a few minor flaws with that plan, mainly that the 50 or so empty seats at Westminster and the missing bridesmaids might raise a few eyebrows.

(beeping sound comes over the line, followed by Prince Harry depositing more coints)

Audrey: What the devil was that noise? Are we being recorded?

Prince Harry: No chance of that. I am using the only phone at Granny's house that is not bugged.

Audrey: Well, let me get some more sleep and I will give your "problem" a little more thought. And cheer up, old boy. It could be a lot worse. They could have invited Lady GaGa, Amy Winehouse and Madonna...

Prince Harry: Bloody hell, good point...