Ark Park lark....

Dear Congressman,

It appears our good friends just south of the Ohio river have decided that having a creationism museum is not quite enough literal Bible interpretation for the good people of Kentucky. Now, as a stimulus to the local economy, that an Ark Encounter park is in the works, complete with a 500 foot wooden ark replica, lots of live animals, a replica of the Tower of Babel and a 1st century Middle Eastern Village.

In fact, Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear announced in December that the state would cough up $43 million in tax incentives if the park generated the $250 million annual impact on the state's economy that a consultant's study predicted.

The only problem is that the attendance figures they projected would outstrip the most recent year's attendance numbers for Kentucky Kingdom amusement park and match those of Cincinnati's Kings Island. Not that it isn't doable, as God can pack the house on any given Sunday, but when given the option of riding the Beast roller coaster or smelling a beast in a stall full of straw and manure, I think the roller coaster is going to win out nine times out of ten.

So, other than a giant ark, an unfinished Tower, and a petting zoo, it sounds like we need to spice things up a big at Ark Encounter. Of course, I have a few ideas....

Dunk Darwin: Tired of all that evolution mumbo jumbo and don't want to take it anymore? Then show your true feeling and take your turn at the Charles Darwin dunking booth, complete with a replica dinosaur egg to toss at a dodo bird target than dumps the Darwin look-a-like into the water, showing just how wet his ideas really are.

Swaggart Swing: Yes, you can experience the ups and downs of Evangelical Minister Jimmy Swaggart on his mini-ark swing ride. Shriek with excitement as you swing into the waiting arms of Jesus, only to be swung the next minute back to the land of Jezebels & temptation, all the while shouting out (in unison) "Jesus loves me" or "I have sinned!", depending on the ride's location. A great learning experience for the young ones!!!!

Sinbad's Islamoland : A great opportunity to learn about our neighbors to the east, as you ride a magic carpet sled through the land of Islamic rule. Watch in awe as they cut off the hand off a thief, stone a prostitute to death, and then attempt to blow up your magic carpet in a simulated suicide bombing attempt, only to be thwarted by a Rambo look-a-like who beats the crap out of them and then converts every last one of them over to Jesus's side. Good times...

and finally,

Hell, the Ride : a true-to-the-Bible rendering of what all those Evangelical preachers have been trying to get through to you ever since you have been sleeping through Church as a youngster. Walk through the maze of flame and sulphur that is kept at a constant 112F/44C for your total discomfort. Watch in horror as Satan's work force torture and maim sinners, fornicators, and people who didn't tithe with the same vim and vigor as if they were working on Stalin, Hitler, or Leona Helmsley. Let go a big sigh of relief at the end when the 50 foot mechanical Beelzebub chooses a family other than yours to be eternally damned to fire and ash as they are led away screaming and kicking by actors dressed as Satan's helpers. Of course, the family being dragged off are actors too, but your kids don't know that. Should be good for at least six months of pious and obedient behavior from your personal little devils....