A day on the farm

The scene is a small family farm in Brown county, Ohio. Dinner has just been served and grace has been said.

Dad: So, how was everyone's day today?

Mom: Well, it seems Daniel Jr. has something he needs to tell you.

Danny Jr.: Mom, geesh, do we have to talk about it now.

Mom: Since we spent all day in downtown Cincinnati at the FBI office, I think your father needs to be brought up to-date on events.

Dad: This sounds serious. What happened?

Both stare at Danny Jr.

Danny Jr.: Well, I eh, guess they traced my skype conversations with Jebediah.

Dad: What is a Skarp convention?

Danny Jr.: Skype, father. It is a video conferencing software tool to speak to people using a protocol known as...

Mom: What is a protocol?

Danny Jr.: It is a telephone with pictures so you can see each other when you talk.

Dad: We are Amish, how would we know about this Skarp you speak of?

Danny Jr: It's pronounce Skype, father.

Mom: Do not disrespect your father, Daniel Jr..

Danny Jr hangs head down.

Danny Jr.: I am sorry. I did not mean to bring trouble to the family.

Dad: I still do not understand why the federals would want to know about your talks with Jebediah? I realize you are probably talking about something sinful, like some girl's new headscarf or the latest buggy being produced by our Pennslyvania kinfolk, but this is hardly something that would attract the attention of outsiders.

Danny Jr: I am unsure father. They kept asking me why two Amish kids were on the internet so much.

Mom: This internet, is it a type of drug? Daniel Jr, are you smoking crock?

Danny Jr: No mother, and it's crack, not crock.

Dad: So these FBI men, did they arrest you for smoking crock on Skarp?

Danny Jr. : No, father, but they did put us on the international terror watch list.

Dad and Mom stare at each other. Dad stands up and looks indignant.

Dad: I will not allow that to happen. Ezekiel told me he once viewed a feature film by that Stephen King fellow and it was one of the worst experiences of his life. I will not allow this family to be torn apart by being forced to view this type of  Englander corruption!

Danny Jr. shakes his head and stares out the window, dreaming of living with a normal family.

And the question is...

Dear Congressman,

Currently your buddies over in the Senate are holding up the nomination of Gina McCarthy to head the Environmental Protection Agency. They are upset because it appears she has not properly answered all their questions, all 1,100 of them. As 1,075 of them were asked by your fellow Republicans, I was intrigued to find out what the nature of the questions were.

So in the fairness of disclosure, I have obtained a sample of some of the questions Ms. McCarthy has received from your esteemed colleagues across the building.

Question 46: Boxers or briefs?

Question 106: (from the Republican Senator from Idaho) Do you agree that the Yellow Tail Spotted American Owl is a major contributor to noise pollution in the Pacific Northwest and needs to be shot on sight?

Question 218: What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Question 222:  You talking to me? (pause) You talking to me? (pause) You talking to me?

Question 453: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Question 734: Are you busy Friday night? 

Question 735: If not, how about Sunday. Is Sunday good?

Question 740 - 910: A single conservative, Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) submitted these questions, they are composed of 54 math, 67 critical reading and 49 grammar questions that appeared on the most recent version of the Scholastic Assessment Test.

Question 945: Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Question 988: Does this make me look fat?

Question 1041: I have an 18F87J50 Demo Board and am using PICkit2 to load my hex files, MPLAB IDE Version 8.43.00.00 to modify 'USB Device - HID - Simple Custom Demo - C18 - PIC18F87J50 PIM.mcp. I can successfully Build and Make hex files. I am using PICkit2 to load my hex files to the Demo Board. I am using a VB6 project I found somewhere to talk to the Demmo Board thru USB, it is call Pic18F87J50.vbp. I am trying to increment a LONG integer in the C code every time that the button on the board is pressed and then send this number to my VB6 program. This C line seems to send a 64 byte array thru USB:           USBInHandle = HIDTxPacket(HID_EP,(BYTE*)&ToSendDataBuffer[0],64);
Does my LONG integer needs to be sent as 4 BYTE characters in this byte array and how is the LONG integer set to these BYTES, say bytes  ToSendDataBuffer[1] to ToSendDataBuffer[5]??????? Also, what VB6 code would recombine the 4 bytes into a LONG integer again????

And Finally

Question 1100:  What's in your wallet?

Barbara

Dear Congressman,

I recently lost a friend to cancer. Barbara Cohen was a shining star from which light was shed upon us all. She will be missed.

In my narrow world
Information rushes in
In my narrow world
Your loss was an unqualified sin
In my narrow world
You brought a spark to a wanton flame
In my narrow world
I disavowed my contribution to the blame
In my narrow world
You showed me growth
In my narrow world
Your life was a lesson to us both
Because too many marriages are plays
Bowing to society and looking for praise
Barbara, you set the path
For which my quest did not always follow
Yet in time was satisfied
Not by conquest, boasting, or dominance
But by a laugh, or a touch of the hand
Or a simple glance at the partner you have chosen
In my narrow world
You were a part
Now my world is smaller
Now my world is sad
Now my world is changed
Now my world is truly narrow
Barbara, it should have been longer

You could be a .....

Dear Congressman,

During times of downturns in the economy, a strategy that is taken by many unemployed or under-employed citizens is to pursue additional education to enhance their job skills. Since there is such a need and nature abhors a vacuum, along comes the continued growth of "for-profit" colleges that promise to give you the skills you need to succeed in fields such as criminal justice and medical assisting, unlocking your potential for unlimited future earnings..

One such establishment in your district runs a TV commercial  that goes as follows:

Girl 1 and Girl 2 are standing together as they work in a retail clothing store. Girl 3 comes walking up to them.

Girl 1: Oh, there's what's her name. She always seems to have her life together.

Girl 3:(with massive grin on her face) Hi, how are you doing?

Girl 1: (with sour look on her face) Oh, you know, working here and going to college. (looks at scrubs girl 3 is wearing) You are working already?

Girl 3: Yeah, I got may degree in six months and have a great job as a Medical Assistant. You should do it too!

Pretty lame stuff if you ask me, but then I am not the intended audience. They are shooting for young impressionable females who have either neither the resources nor the patience to obtain a more advanced degree, thus making glamor out of the mundane.

In my alternative version, let's roll the cameras again, this time fifteen years later....

(Same store, only this time Girl 3 is working in the store and Girl 1 comes walking in)

Girl 1: Wow, I haven't seen you in years! How are you.

Girl 3: (with glum look) Oh, you know. Things are pretty tight right now, but I'm hanging in there.

Girl 1: I thought you worked as a medical assistant.

Girl 3: I still do. Just had to get a second job since Phil has been out of work for 3 years and we got 4 kids to feed. (stares at business suit girl 1 is wearing) You look like you are doing pretty good.

Girl 1: (with beaming grin) Yes, I just got promoted to senior vice president of Greed Enterprises. I came in to find a new bathing suit to wear in Barbados when Glen and I fly there next week to celebrate. That 4 year degree really came in handy over the years. You should do it too!

The perfect wife

Dear Congressman,

Today we bring you an interview by freelance journalist Matt Floors, with George Elend, considered by many to be the luckiest man alive.

(Matt sits down across from George and turns on tape record)

Matt: Good afternoon, George, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me this afternoon.

George:  Oh, no problem. I always have time for Playboy magazine!

Matt: Er... actually, that fell through. but I did get Men's Health to pick up the story.

George: Never heard of them.  
(moment of silence ensues)   Anyway, no matter... ask away...

Matt: So for the record, you have been referred to as the luckiest man alive.

George: Yes, that is true.

Matt: And why is that?

George: Probably because I am the only man in America married to a supermodel who owns a brewery.

Matt: This is, of course, every man's dream.

George: True, but it's not really what you would think.

Matt: Really, unlimited beer and a hot wife....

George: True, but in reality, my wife, Ikandi Storm, is usually at a photo shoot on some remote island in the Pacific or walking the runway at fashion show in Europe. I rarely ever see her.

Matt: When did you last see her?

George: I think it was October 2006.

Matt: Wow! Well at least you have the brewery to fall back on!

George: True, but since she is constantly traveling I have had to take over management of the brewery. She originally had her brother Claude running it, but he spent more time sampling the inventory than actually making sure it got produced, bottled, and sold. Do you have any idea how much work goes into the production, marketing, and administration of a brewery?

Matt: Uh... no...

George: There ain't a lot of glamor in it, let me tell you. I have been so busy with the new Supermodel Pale Ale launch campaign that I haven't had a sip of beer in the last 9 months.

(sound of mobile phone ringing)

George: Hello?... oh hi Mrs. Storm... no, I'm doing an interview right now so I can't ... with (puts hand over phone)  Who are you with again?

Matt: Men's Health

George: (blank stare) The Wall Street Journal, Mrs. Storm. (ensuing silence as George listens to voice on the mobile phone) Yes... yes... I'll make sure I get it on the way home... okay... bye now. (turns off phone and turns back to Matt) Shall we continue?

Matt: I'm sorry, I have to ask, what was that about?

George: That was my mother-in-law.

Matt: And?

George: She wanted me to bring some scraps from the meat shop for her pets.

Matt: Her pets?

George: Yes, she has 6 dogs, 8 cats, 2 pot belly pigs, and a budgie...

Matt: Wow, what a household, I bet you are glad you don't have to live with all that!

(George does not answer but simply stares at the floor)

Matt: Oh dear....

(Matt turns off the tape recorder)

END OF INTERVIEW

Cut to the chase

Dear Congressman,

It appears with the advent of the internet has led to the demise of professional journalism, as newspaper and magazine alike have been savaged by this new forum over the last 15 or so years. So it is not unusual to see articles that, for lack of a better word, cut to the chase...

Case in point, a well known Ohio State Senator was arrested in Southern Indiana for driving under the influence. Mr. Robert Mecklenborg is a local attorney for a reputable Cincinnati law firm, who as a card carrying member of the Republican party, decided that Democrats should not be the only one's to have fun. I think this clip from the Cincinnati Business Courier covers it nicely:

Mecklenborg resigns after DUI Date: Monday, July 18, 2011, 5:34am EDT Ohio Rep. Robert Mecklenborg, R-Green Township, resigned Sunday after being arrested for drunken driving in Indiana with a stripper in his car and Viagra in his system. By making his resignation effective Aug. 2, Robert Mecklenborg, R-Green Township, ensured that he will be paid for July, the Columbus Dispatch reported.

To recap, it only took one sentence of 24 or so words to inform the reader that Mr. Mecklenborg has been accused of a) consuming intoxicants b) picking up a younger woman of somewhat dubious repute c) having erectile issues as he had to pop a "woody pill" while in the company of the younger woman of somewhat dubious repute d) operating his motor vehicle while having alcohol and viagra in his blood stream e) implying that the younger woman of somewhat ill repute was in his vehicle to be transported for purposes of participating an impeding episode of adulterous behavior and f) has acknowledged that he could no longer represent his district in southwestern Ohio while defending himself against the allegations that he went on a bender complete with booze and loose women.

It goes without saying that Mr. Mecklenborg is happily married with three children. He has yet to really explain why he was giving a ride to an employee of Concepts Show Girls, LLC, but I'm sure there is a logical explanation.

The second sentence also makes short work of pointing out the timing of Mr. Mecklenborg's announcement, showing that even though he did not demonstrate moral restraint, he is still capable of financial responsibility when it comes to his own pocketbook.

Personally, I would hate to have the two sentence blurb from the Business Courier be the main historical record of my existence, but then I don't remember ever (allegedly) driving while liquored up with an exotic dancer in my car....

Polls Apart...

Dear Congressman,

From a recently poll performed by the Public Opinion Strategies and Lake Research Partners, the following information was gleaned:

95 percent of voters say owning the home is the best long-term investment they can make
73 percent of voters who do not own a home aspire to become a homeowner in the future
95 percent of homeowners say they are happy with their decision to own a home
73 percent of voters believe it is appropriate and reasonable for the federal government to provide tax incentives to encourage homeownership

The poll queried 2,000 people and claims an error rate of + or - 3.5%.

Here's the issues I have with this particular poll:

1. Duh! 1/3 of the population of this planet wake up in the morning in quarters that have no electricity or running water. Suffice it to say the rest of us that do have running water and electricity and have endured the stigma of crappy landlords would rather be a homeowner than a tenant. Would you rather own your dog/cat or rent one from the pet store that could repossess it at any moment in time for any whim? It is still... after all... the American Dream.

2. The poll was paid for by the National Association of Home Builders. Needless to say, if this survey had demonstrated that only 17% of people though owning a home as a good idea, this poll would have been buried somewhere under Jimmy Hoffa's final resting place quicker than you can say "Fargo" three times. I have a sneaking suspicion that the NAHB's Christmas wish-list includes every person in the United States, regardless of race, sex, religion or age, would march to the bank, get a loan lined up, and put a dormant homebuilder to work building new homes for new homeowners. And everyone would smile and wave from behind the white picket fence in front of their brand new home!!!!

3. I am always a little leery of polls that have a small sample size. Since the US population is about 307,006,550 (google data) and they polled 2,000 of them, then our sample size to represent the feelings of the average US citizen was 0.000065% of the population at large, or 1 in every 153,503 American's were asked their opinion. Seems a pretty thin slice to me.